Adam Lambert is A Punk

Oh hi there, it's been a while, hasn't it? I've been away , business outside of the country, had to keep a close eye on some of "interests". Let's just say it involved the CIA and some wet work, all very illegal, all very erotic. But just because I've been gone doesn't mean that the world has stopped turning, a shock to both yourself and me, I assure you. Today I would like to turn your attention to one American Idol alum, Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert (pictured above) is punk as fuck.

Now hold on a second before you start believing that I've lost my mind. No, I haven't gone mainstream, sold out or any of that business. All I ask that you indulge me for a moment and reserve your judgments until after I've finished.

So this morning I was trolling along the internet as usual, checking out the top stories and such, when I came across an editorial from the Wall Street Journal written by one Peggy Noonan. Now, Peggy's piece references a Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll that claims that 55% of Americans feel like this country is going down the shitter. Hmmm....only 55%, apparently the other 45% of American's have there's heads firmly planted up their asses. I mean there's good reason for Americans to lack faith in the good ole' U.S. of A.'s future. We are currently involved in two wars that don't have any sign of ending, we are facing the worst economic crisis in nearly 80 years, the entire world is facing certain environmental catastrophe , this country's entire industry base has been outsourced; setting up China to be the true superpower of the next century AND millions of Americans are currently living without health care. I mean you would need some really, REALLY good drugs not have a feeling of dread creeping up your psyche. (If anyone is currently in position of said really good drugs, well you know where to find me.) But you see, that's not the real problem. Of course not! I mean the real problem is obvious:

It's the queers. Come on now; it's always the queers.

Well, ok, it's not ALWAYS the queers. Sometimes it's heavy metal, or comic books, or role-playing games, but THIS time it's the queers. At least that's what Peggy Noonan thinks.

To have her explain it, the real problem in America isn't the economic crisis or our endless wars, no it's American Idol's Adam Lambert's really gay performance at the American Music Awards this past November. I don't mean gay in sense of something that a 12 year old thinks is lame, no I mean hot sweaty man on man loving. You see this little glam kid went on ABC in primetime and performed some shitty song, which would have been all fine and good, there's nothing the American public loves more than some reality TV star belting out some bland Top 40 bullshit. But you see the thing is that Adam's performance involved him walking around a guy and girl on a leash (oh no! bondage! *gasp*), miming oral sex (heaven forbid!), and AND making out with another man! The immediate reaction of the typical heterosexual American man after having seen this was the undeniable urge to go out and suck a dick, BECAUSE HE SAW IT ON THE TV! This led to the degradation of American values, the break down of the two parent household and made the baby Jesus cry (right before his birthday, no less).

Now you see Peggy knows what to do in this situation. As well she should. She was a special assistant to the president in the White House of Ronald Reagan; an administration known for their enlightened stance and being for our First Amendment Rights. Oh wait, no they weren't. They were the guys who wanted to put warnings on Twisted Sister records. Yeah, that's right; they hated rock n' roll and brought the Evangelical Right into power. Hmmmm....

You see Peg thinks that we must maintain "Higher, stricter standards" due to the fact that "For years now, without anyone declaring it or even noticing it, we've had a compromise on television." Well, I do agree that we've had a compromise on television for sure, Arrested Development gets canceled but you can still watch 2 1/2 Men. But what I don't agree with is censorship.

The reaction to Lambert's performance on the AMAs is the same old fire and brimstone outrage that the reactionary part of the population always pulls. I mean we really should be used to it. The thing that really gets to me though is that it's always the flag waving patriots who are oh so outraged. Now, I'm no history expert (although I did take honors World Civilization and American History in High School), but one of the big reasons why people came to this country in the first place was to live somewhere they could BE FREE! I fully understand that the initial settlers were bat-shit nuts Christian fundamentalists who fucking burnt people they thought were witches, but, luckily for all of us who have some semblance of a brain, our country was founded by some very forward thinking men who knew the danger of censorship and how important it was to protect the speech of the MINORITY. Here's the first amendment for anyone who's forgotten:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

That seems pretty straight forward, doesn't it? A pretty important cornerstone to our society I would say. It seems to me the most patriotic and American thing that someone could do is to exercise their constitutional rights. Nowhere does it say that one cannot exercise their right when there might be minors present, or those who might find what they have to express to be offensive. The very reason why the first amendment is so important is that it protects the speech that IS offensive. There's no need to protect somebody saying something that everybody agrees with.

For years now we as Americans have watched as our freedoms have been slowly stripped away from us. The social conservatives in this country have always tried to make sure everyone lived by THEIR rules. They've painted everyone who thought differently than them as some kind of monster, waiting in the shadows to shoot up little Jimmy with heroin as they anal rape sweet little Suzy. It doesn't matter what it was- Mexican migrants, Black jazz musicians, communists, feminists, you name it. They've put the blame for all the ills of society on music, art and literature. You can't read Burroughs! You can't listen to a Dead Kennedys record! You should never see work of art that exposes someone's genitals! Because once the devil gets in there, it's harder than hell (get it?) to get him out. Let's get rid of the long hairs, the beatniks and the punks so nice Christian Americans (Real Americans) can live in piece and harmony.

We live in a country that's deeply divided, this is true. We're stuck, we've dug our heels into the ground and we're not going anywhere. People lament the end of the American Century, as if they haven't brought us to this point themselves. Once you halt progress you kill growth, kill evolution. The root of this is fear. When the conservatives saw Adam Lambert on the AMAs they were afraid of him, afraid of the statement he was making. Why are they afraid? Well, they're obviously not comfortable dealing with their own homoerotic tendencies. I've never really understood why straight guys are so intimidated by gay dudes. The way I see the more gay dudes, the more pussy for me. But that's just me.

Also, how about the parents who care so much about what their precious little babies see, I don't know, take charge themselves and TURN OFF THE TV. Better yet, just get rid of your TV.

In MaximumRockNRoll's recent queer issue Mykel Board wrote that being gay/lesbian/whatever isn't really all that queer anymore. Well Mykel you may be right in regards to the insular punk/metal/whatever community, but as far as "Middle America" is concerned being butt pirate or a rug muncher or going back and forth is still considered pretty queer. I love you Mykel Board; but this time YOU'RE wrong.

So here's to you Adam Lambert, you might make horrible music; but you pissed everyone off in the way a true punk rocker does.

-Jon J

ALSO GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD:

- When you think about Green Day's career pretty much encapsulates the history of Rock n Roll itself. They started off as a scrappy little band (Rock n Roll in the 50's) and then exploded into the mainstream (Rock n Roll in the 60's) and have now become the kind of shitty band that makes rock operas and broadway musicals (the 70's). They went from being (young) Elvis to Genesis. That's more than most bands do.

- I got to see MUNICIPAL WASTE on their "Waste the World" tour last month. The show was FUCKING INCREDIBLE! The line-up was Municipal Waste, Phobia, Off With Their Heads and Cauldron. I had never heard Cauldron before and they were absolutely fucking awesome. Spandex, long hair, fast and heavy. Everything a good metal band should have. Off With Their Heads did not disappoint, as I knew they wouldn't, but it was a definite highlight when they played "Call the Cops", as I understand they don't really play that song too often. I could be wrong though. Phobia, well, they bored the shit out me. I like crust, but I need my crust to be FAST. Municipal Waste, well, were Municipal Waste. What I mean by that is they TOTALLY DESTROYED! FACES WERE MELTED! I had a serious bangover the next day.