The (not so) fine folks over at Disney have been doing a lot to piss me off lately. First, they announce plans to remake the classic Beatles cartoon, Yellow Submarine. Earlier today it was announced that Disney plans on acquiring the Marvel Entertainment Group for around $4 Billion dollars.
Man, that's a fuckton of money. Maybe Spidey can quit working for the Daily Bugle.
Now, on the surface one giant media company buying a smaller media company is nothing new. But what concerns me is what does this mean for Marvel? Disney is a family friendly company, and I don't talking tea cups and singing lobster mixing with the likes of the Punisher or Wolverine.
All this is going to do is further homogenize the comics industry, we'll be seeing Magneto with some Mickey Mouse ears any day now. I wonder if they'll alter Magneto's back story to make it so he never went through the Holocaust, because we all know how much Walt loved those brown shirts.
Whatever, I like DC better anyway.
(Sorry if this isn't as good as my usual posts, I have too much shit on my mind right now to focus on anything.)
In November 2008 the American people elected Barack Obama to office on a platform of hope and change. It's now almost September of 2009 and little has changed and people are losing hope(at least they should be).
One of the key points of Obama's campaign was the issue of fixing America's broken health care system. The mixed public-private health care system that we use in this country is the single most expensive in the world, medical debt is the number one cause of personal bankruptcy in the United States. The cost of health care for a single person is higher than any other nation in the world.
When confronting the issues facing health care reform in the 2008 elections Barack Obama campaigned with a platform of Universal Health Care. If you were to believe the promises made during the campaign, Obama wanted to create a system in which, through the creation of the National Health Insurance Exchange, both private insurance plans and a government run option. People would have health care regardless of the status of their health, and premiums would not vary based on that health status. Adults would not be required to have health insurance, but parents would be required to provide health insurance for their children. Obama's proposal included implementing guaranteed eligibility for affordable health care for all Americans, paid for by insurance reform, reducing costs, and requiring employers to either furnish meaningful coverage or contribute to a new public plan. In July 2008 while campaigning Obama promised to "bring down premiums by $2,500 for the typical family." Sounds great, but is Obama doing what he promised?
Well, not really. As of August 2009 our President has seemed to totally forgotten about his earlier promises. The bill currently on the congressional floor, supported by President Obama, would require all employers and individuals to buy health insurance or pay a penalty as well as removing the option for a public health care system from insurance choices. This doesn't exactly sound like what Obama was talking about on the campaign trail.
Now, I may get jumped for saying this, but it's times like this that I wish Barack Obama was more like George W. Bush. Now hold on a second before storming out and never reading this blog again. There wasn't anyone who was more anti-Bush than me in those dark, dark years. The man was an imbecile, war mongering coke head who believed that he was on a mission from god. These are not the qualities that one should look for in a leader. Obama is pretty much the exact opposite of Bush in almost every way possible. Obama is intelligent, thoughtful and well spoken. He's someone who takes his time and ways his options carefully. But he's also kind of a pussy.
If George W. Bush had one quality that can be respected it's the fact that he stuck to his guns. He never wavered, always pushed his agenda (or Cheney's agenda, or whatever corporate agenda) forward without doubt that he was right. We could use a little more of that attitude from Obama right about now. The compromises that Obama has made in regards to health care reform are gigantic, from promising us all Universal Health Care while campaigning to now basically more of the same bullshit that we've always had in this country. It's times like these that require strong leadership, but instead we've been left with a weak-willed president who doesn't want to offend anyone.
Alright Barack, I see through you now. You're not the bastion of hope and change that you promised in the election. You're just another politician who's unwilling to take a strong stand when it's important. You've broken promises, you've waffled and flip-flopped and shown your true colors. I'm sick of politicians. At the very least George W. Bush never gave a fuck what anyone thought about him or his actions. Not congress, not the voters or the rest of the world. Take a page from his book and grow a pair.
Ok, so everything gets remade nowadays. Everything gets the relaunch, reboot or whatever. So how about killing two birds with one stone? Listen up Hollywood, because this shit is gold.
What I'm talking about is combining two of the best things to come out of the eighties. Teen Wolf of course was the touching coming-of-age tale about a young man dealing with puberty. Unfortunately he grows a lot more hair than normal. But his transformations from teen to teen wolf also make him the star of the basketball team! Huzzah!
RoboCop is of course Officer Alex Murphy, slain in the line of duty but brought back to life as a cyborg who delivers the justice. The thing is that RoboCop wascreated by Omni Consumer Products, an evil corporation with plans to foreclose on Detroit so they can build their futuristic Delta City. But what happens when Teen Wolf's basketball team comes to play Detroit? They're kidnapped by OCP for experiments on their new RoboTeen program!
Teen Wolf is able to escape their clutches and seeks out RoboCop for help. RoboCop, reluctant at first to help Teen Wolf with his predicament, eventually relents and the two team up to rescue Teen Wolf's fellow teammates. There will be a big fight seen and things will blow up. Teen Wolf learns more of what it means to be an adult, and RoboCop is on the road to regaining his humanity.
Hey everybody! Does anyone remember a band by the name of AFI? Oh you do, excellent. Wait, did you just call them "that gothy punk band with the dude that looks like a chick"? Well, that's really not accurate, for one thing Davey Havoc cut his hair, and no longer looks like chick. You also called them a punk band. They USED to be a punk band, but that hasn't really been the case in a number of years. At this point you can really only categorize them as one thing: a giant fucking joke.
Look at this horrible, ugly piece of shit album cover. That's the cover for the new AFI album, Crash Love. Ummm...... weird hearts that envelop the word crash written in cursive is not what a punk band puts on their album cover. And what's with the weird gold background? Who designed this? A 14 year old girl, that's who. It has to be, because I refuse to believe that any adult would make something this retarded. I don't even need to listen to this album to know that it's going to be a giant, steaming turd. Mr. Havoc has this to say on the new album: "I am so proud of this record. I really believe it's the best AFI record. It honestly feels like we've made our first truly timeless record. We didn't set out to do that--you can't set out to do something like that--but it definitely feels like that's what we've achieved: created the album by which we'll be remembered".
Alright, now I'm going to rewrite that sentence to make it a little more accurate. "I am so ashamed of this record. I really believe it's the worstAFI record. It honestly feels like we've made our first truly pointless record. We didn't set out to do that--you can't set out to do something like that--but it definitely feels like that's what we've achieved: created the album by which we'll be remembered as a band of fucktards."
Guess what kids, some Hollywood fuckheads think that remaking Yellow Submarine is a great idea! Early today Mike Fleming of Variety reported that Robert Zemeckis and Disney are planning on doing a remake of the classic Beatles cartoon.
What the fuck? Is this really necessary? No, it's not. The original cartoon was absolutely brilliant, so what's the point of doing it over again? I don't know about you, but I grew up on the Beatles, it's a cherished childhood memory for me and I know it is for a lot of other people out there. It's not as though you can't go out and buy a copy of the original movie on DVD or whatever. Hollywood needs to start coming up with their own ideas instead of pillaging cinema's past to turn a buck nowadays. I have an idea, why not make an animated Flaming Lips movie? Their entire oeuvre would work perfectly for a psychedelic cartoon. You can have giant pink robots and bubbles floating everywhere, it would be really cool, and all though slightly derivative, a new movie instead of a rehash of an old one.
That's all I have to say on the subject.
On a side note, I added Abe Lincolns quotes to my blog a couple days ago. Why? Abe Lincoln's the motherfucking man, motherfuckers. More on that later.
Back in Grand Rapids there are some signs of hope. A few years ago some students got together in a store front and start hosting shows. They dubbed themselves the DAAC; the Division Ave. Arts Cooperative. They inhabited a store front in a part of Grand Rapids that was undergoing an “urban renewal” i.e. clearing out the crack houses and the gang activity. Down the street was Skelatones; a coffee house hosting local shows. Slowly things were coming back to life.
One of the aspects of our current predicament is that it forces a community to go back to the long held ideal of DIY. When all the outlets are in the control of one hand, musicians and fans are forced to seek out some way to get there music out. Embracing the basements and coffee houses, college radio stations and the internet as a means to get music out there and bring people together creates a more immediate and personal experience. When I think back to the best I’ve been to or have played it’s inevitably some cramped, sweaty space with scores of kids brought together for a single purpose. By creating our own alternative media outlets we have the ability to control the content, we don’t need to force-fed what some marketing people think is the next big thing. How much longer does broadcast radio have anyway? We live in an ever changing world; with new technologies being developed every single day, radio is a dinosaur at this point, doomed for extinction. Maybe we should just let the vulture pick at the rotting corpse.
But the reality is that for the time being the majority of people are still going to listening to broadcast radio. That means that most people are going to be exposed to a limited range of artists, a limited range of sounds. As far as I’m concerned what Clear Channel is doing is basically tantamount to brainwashing. Maybe their entire goal is to get people to stop listening to music.
I want our airwaves back; plain and simple. There used to be enough room for everyone to have their little piece of the pie, there’s plenty of frequencies on that dial. But now that pie is getting smaller and smaller. If we let this continue one day there won’t be any left at all.
For the first time in my life I wish I could turn on a smooth jazz station in Chicago.
One day everything changed over at WGRD. They had been owned by Clear Channel for several weeks, but it happened all at once. In the interim Clear Channel had systematically taken control of virtually the entire market. The sole exception was KLQ, a local hard rock station that had been operating with a strong “profit first” mentality. They resisted being bought out because the owner thought he could make more money than Clear Channel had offered him. It was now time for Clear Channel to set its plans in motion. (Isn’t it a bit odd that the actions of Clear Channel sound like the machinations of some Saturday morning cartoon villain? The more I write this the more I feel I’m describing the actions of Lex Luthor and The Joker on an episode of Super Friends. If only Batman were here to save us from shitty radio.) The change was abrupt and immediate. They issued an approved list of artists and songs to be played. People lost there jobs and an entire local scene lost its support system.
It’s truly disheartening to watch all this happen. It just illustrates what a precarious position are national airwaves are in. When a single corporate entity can come in a seize control of an entire industry such as Clear Channel has it hearkens back to the days of the robber barons and oil tycoons. Are we really so nearsighted? Didn’t we learn these lessons? We’re only about thirty years out of the break up AT&T’s monopoly over the telephone industry. (Although if one looks at the way AT&T has expanded over the past several years we’re edging closer to a repeat. Maybe were in the middle of a Timequake. [For those unfamiliar with Timequakes, check out Kilgore Trout’s excellent memoir, “My Ten Years on Auto Pilot”]*). As our current economic crisis illustrates allowing corporations free reign does nothing but doom us all. Maybe Marx had it right. (That counts both Karl and Groucho.)
Grand Rapids lacked a strong college radio presence, WGRD had been so supportive of local music there hadn’t really been any need for one. In Clear Channel’s wake local venues often had to move locations, some flat out shut down. The entire scene was in disarray. Those who remained at WGRD did what they could to try and fight back in whatever meager way they could. Since they were limited to what music they could play (it had to come off the afore-mentioned list) they played Beach Boys songs and other artists who you wouldn’t hear on an alternative rock station. “The goal was if we run this into the ground, what are they going to do? They’re not going to want to own us anymore. That wasn’t the case at all. They could give a fuck; they had all kinds of money coming in from left and right.”
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So all this has been going on for over a decade at this point. All across the nation entire broadcast markets are controlled by a single corporate entity. This mass now dictates what the majority of the country listens to. It’s 2009 and an exec at Clear Channel is claiming to care about music. It sounds like a lot of doublespeak to me. If all of the actions of your company are devoted to a Napoleonic take over of America’s radio industry, when you employ tactics that would make Machiavelli cringe, how can you really claim to “care about the music”?
So what do we do? The reality of the David and Goliath face-off is that 9 times out 10 Goliath is going to win. Clear Channel controls the industry and there’s little that can be done, that is unless someone out there has the money to buy up stations before Clear Channel, if there are even any stations left. For a little bit of background it was during the Clinton administration that the FCC first lifted their restrictions on the number of stations one entity could own in a given market. The Bush administration further loosened these restrictions at the beginning of the millennia. Now as far as I’m concerned Clear Channel has clearly become a monopoly at this point. It goes further than merely the radio stations though. The same corporate entity owns venues, billboards, and various other outlets. This means that only certain artists are able to play at Clear Channel controlled venues. Some artists, such as Bright Eyes, have made their feelings on the matter very public, refusing to play at any venue that is owned by Clear Channel. That’s a start. Look, we sit at a very interesting point in history in regards to the entire music industry. We have a corporate monopoly going unchecked over our airwaves, major record labels are unable to turn a profit, and the entire thing is in shambles. But all this really means is that it’s up to us. We, musicians, fans, independent promoters and venues really need to come together and carve out our piece. We are looking at, no, we have seen, the last days of business as usual for the music industry. If we are able to come together now, while majors are scrambling to restructure, we can create a vibrant, diverse and challenging musical landscape. You know what else? Maybe we can even figure out a way of making this sustain itself. Maybe if people were offered music that they could connect with, that was real and immediate, maybe than they might be more likely to part with some cash.
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*Actually, you need to read Timequake by the great Kurt Vonnegut
Dearest bag of weed, Where have you gone? What did I do wrong? I merely got up and went upstairs, and when I returned you were gone. The feeling I have is akin to heartbreak, an all encompassing emptiness that I fear will never be filled.
It seemed like only moments ago I held you in my hand, savoring our time together. As I loaded some of your contents into the bong and took that first hit after a long day of work, a feeling of comfort and calm slowly crept through my body. It's times like this that I know I have found a true partner, someone I can share all the joy in my life with. But all hope is now lost, you're gone and I am alone.
Sure, I know there are other bags of weed out there, but there not my bag of weed. If only I knew what I did wrong that forced you to leave me, I swear I would change. Was it something I said, something I did? Oh, the not knowing is killing me. I'm worried, old friend. All alone out there, under some couch cushion, in some corner somewhere, helpless. Please, please just come home, I would do anything to see your leafy green buds again.
Today I'm going to share with you part one in a three part piece about the Clear Channel corporation. Enjoy!
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Allisa Scanlon was a freshman in college in 2001. At that time she began an internship at a Grand Rapids, Michigan, alternative radio station. The station in question, WGRD, was an independently operated radio station at the core of a thriving local music scene. They booked the local venue, The Intersection; they played local artists on the air and lent their overall support to the Grand Rapids music scene. By the time she would start her sophomore year the station would have been bought by Clear Channel along with most of the other radio stations in the area. As a result of her experience Allisa would abandon her hopes of pursuing a career in broadcasting.
The entire idea of a radio station playing local artists and being involved in promoting local music is unfortunately an antiquated notion in 2009, much in line with beta-max and 8-track tapes. But not too long ago that’s what radio did. In the 1960’s you had garage rock bands scoring regional hits and releasing their records largely to their local audience. Sometimes these records would get picked up and a band would be given the opportunity for nationwide exposure. The entire system for artists to distribute their music and gain a following was a much more organic process. Record companies and radio stations still made money this way, and artists could develop the kind of followings and relationships needed for a vibrant and diverse music scene. Sadly this is no longer the case.
Clear Channel’s move through the Grand Rapids radio market was slow at first. They would acquire stations one by one, claiming that they would not be making any changes. And at first there weren’t any. Allisa recalled: “They waited. They waited until they owned enough radio stations. In all honestly they bought almost all the radio stations. So they waited until they had bought everything so no one would have another choice.” As a result those at the recently acquired radio stations were lulled into a false sense of security. Much of the staff at these stations had heard the stories and rumors from other markets that had been taken over by Clear Channel, but the lack of changes at the beginning made some doubt if what they had heard was true. They would soon learn this was not the case what so ever.
“Once they had control over everything it was like ‘here are the changes’. It was an iron fist. If you don’t like it you were removed that day from the office, you even remotely put up a fight, say you disagree with something. No more local music cds, no more money goes out the door to any local music productions, shows, nothing without approval. It was here are the bands you can play. So you took this organization, this community, that was so involved, and completely demolished it.”
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I’ve never been a fan of smooth jazz. I’ve always thought of it as boring, generic music. To me it’s just filler, grocery store background elevator music. For whatever reason, my dad used to listen to the smooth jazz station, WNUA 95.5, on his way home from work from time to time. Most of time his radio was tuned into NPR, but every once and awhile he would put on smooth jazz. Even at seven or eight I was bored out of my mind, more bored than if we had been listening to NPR.
Well, if I’m ever in the car with my dad in the future I won’t have to be worrying that he’ll be tuning into WNUA. That’s because Clear Channel has decided to switch that station’s format from smooth jazz/adult contemporary to a Spanish language pop station. This honestly makes little difference to me. I wasn’t listening to it when it was a smooth jazz station. I’m not going to listen to it now that it’s a Spanish pop station; the change has no affect on me. But I’m sure there are those out there who are really going to miss that station. Now, I know that this happens all the time, maybe a little bit too often these days. But this isn’t just a sign of trying economic times; this was a station that is owned by a massive media conglomerate. Here are some of the remarks that Tony Coles, the vice president of programming and operations for Clear Channel Radio Chicago’s six-station cluster; made in regards to the change-over. He was quoted in the Chicago Tribune as saying the following: “This is something we really struggled with. We’re fans of WNUA. So it was really tough to even have conversations about the end of that radio station.”
So on Saturday I went over to the Bottom Lounge to check out Nobunny. I had yet to go to a show at the new Bottom Lounge, so I was also checking out the venue. I have to say I dig it. It's not at all like the Bottom Lounge of days gone past, the place is huge and lacks a bit of the danger of the old place. Nonetheless I really dig the place. The sound is real good, a welcomed change from most venues in Chicago. Earlier in the night 88 Fingers Louie had played their reunion gig, which I was reminded off when I saw the sea of punks leaving the venue as I arrived with goodpal Pat Schie. We got inside and headed into the back room where they have the Rock N Roll show. After hitting the can (nice amenities indeed!) I grabbed a beer and saw Christmas and Pixie in the crowd. It was then that the rumors started. Christmas told me he heard that Nobunny was sick and wouldn't be playing tonight.
Nobunny's backing band took the stage and played a set. I don't know what their name was but it was awesome. Two piece garage rock n roll with a fuck ton of energy, they played for about a half hour or show. Fuck, I really wish I knew what they were called because they were really awesome. Next up was Thee Makeout Party. They're a Chicago band with a British Invasion/Garage feel. A lot slower than the last band, but they laid down some nice Beatlesque melodies. Fun, but it kind of dragged on a bit. Also their bassist might just win hipster of the year as far as I am concerned. He had the curly Joey Ramone mop, clear framed large glasses and super tight, super high cut-offs and kept on talking about how much he loved kittys. Sorry dude, but talking about how much you love kittys just isn't rock n roll.
So here we are, at the moment of truth. The band has taken the stage and everyone's ready for Nobunny. But that night we didn't get Nobunny, no, we got an imposter! This "Nobunny" had a makeshift bunny mask made from some magazines and duct tape. None the less, the band ripped through about 7 or 8 Nobunny tunes. No one at the show seemed to really care about the imposter on stage, we all danced and had ourselves a good old fashioned rock n roll revival on our hands. I guess that's the benefit of wearing a mask on stage, you can still pull off the show even if you're not there.
For anyone who's wondering, I am a nerd, a hardcore nerd. The most obvious sign of this affliction has been my life long obsession with Batman. I live, breath, eat and sleep Batman. He's been a lifelong guiding force for me, my own personnel savior so to speak. On the most part this results in largely wholesome endeavors, such as trips down to the comic book shop, wasting money on toys, watching the Dark Knight over and over again and such. But there's one element of this obsession that isn't so kid friendly.
I really want to fuck a girl dressed like Harley Quinn.
Now I know that I'm not the only fan boy out here who's fantasized about the Joker's main squeeze. Here's the best part though, since I'm Jon J the girl can call Mr. J and it will be accurate! Aha! So, anyway, if you know a girl who has a Harley Quinn costume and wants to get down, send her my way.
My friend Lindsay made this for me the other day. It's Jawsome. Lindsay is super cool, she has a very large collection of unicorns. She's moving into my building soon. Hooray!
Do you ride public transportation? Do you use elevators? Well I do, I do these things every single day and I'm starting to get pissed off. What are so pissed off about Jon J I hear you ask? Is it the fact that the CTA can't ever run on time? No, gentle reader, I'm used to that, the CTA has never run on time, and to expect any different would be folly on my end. Is it an onslaught of claustrophobia from those cramped L cars and elevator compartments? Once again I say no, comes with the territory. What's bothering me is the fucking people. Not the crowds, not the vagrants, drunks and screaming children. What my problem is boils down to a simple issue of etiquette. People who are getting on the train need to stop standing directly in front of the goddamn doors.If you stand directly in front of the doors it prevents the people who are trying to get off the train from being able to do so. This creates a CLUSTERFUCK!
It seems to me to be a pretty simple concept really.Ifpeople are trying to get off the train or an elevator or whatever stand aside and let them get off, thus making it easier for you to get on. Seriously, shoving your way onto a train when someone else is trying to get off is one the most selfish, inconsiderate things I can think of, and I see constantly. This is one of the sure signs that our society is in a state of decline.
I'm done playing nice, the next time this fucking happens to me I'm just going to head-butt my way through the aching sea of humanity. If the problem persists I am considering unleashing some kind biological weopon on you reprobates. Actually, scratch that, I don't want to get on any kind of FBI watch list or something. If you're a member of some kind of fedaral agency or something you should read that last sentence as "I am going to get everyone a kitten to play with." There, I think I covered my ass on that one.
That's all. Tune in next time, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
For those who don't know, Aaron Cometbus has been a pretty important figure in the punk scene since the late 80's. He's a drummer, lyricist and zinester. He's played in bands like Crimpshrine and Pinhead Gunpowder and has been publishing his zine, Cometbus,since 1983. He has also caused me much heartbreak and frustation. This is because the dude can't seem to stay in a band for more than 5 minutes at a time. So if anyone ever runs into Aaron, let them know how I feel. Anyway, here's my letter to Cometbus.
Dear Mr. Aaron Cometbus,
What's up? How are you doing? Me, I'm alright. I could be better though, and it can be directly impacted by you taking some action.
First, a little about myself. My name's Jon J and I'm a card carrying punk rocker from Chicago, Illinoise(come on feel the Illinoise!). I have been a fan of both your writings and your musical output. I first discovered Crimpshrine while still in high school, soon I found my way to Pinhead Gunpowder and Cleveland Bound Death Sentence. All top-notch shit good sir, my compliments. Now, I'll let you know that I have been very excited about your new group, The Thorns of Life. I've been obsessed with Jawbreaker for a very long time, hell I have their logo tattooed on my forearm. The thought of combining the powers of both yourself and one Mr. Blake Schwarzenbach into a rock n roll force previously unseen has gotten me positively throbbing in anticipation (no homo). I downloaded the bootleg of your show at Gilman St. and let me tell sir, my expectations were blown away. A tip of my hat sir.
But, now I log onto the interweb and what do I see? Rumors of you having left the Thorns of Life, leaving the future of the band unknown! Why have you done this to me, why have I been forsaken?
Really, would it kill you to stick in a band for more than 5 minutes? All your bands have been awesome, and your new band with Blake went beyond awesome into realms of Jawsome! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised really, it seems to be your M.O. Form awesome band with other punk rock luminary and then as soon as you've gotten the kids all hot and bothered with your devil rhythms quickly break up. I've seens it a number of times now, Mr. Cometbus, and this has to stop. Cleveland Bound Death Sentence was awesome, but it lasted what? About a year. Same thing with the Blank Fight, The Retard Beaters, Strawman and pretty much every other band you've been in. Christ, the only band that hasn't gone through that cycle is Pinhead Gunpowder, and you guys have put out what, like 4 albums in the past 18 years? You guys get together once every 5 years or so, so that one doesn't count.
Look, I'm not trying to force you do something that you don't want to do. If you're going to start a band just to break up a year later without the chance of me seeing the band or even releasing the music, please just don't. I've already had more heartbreak than I can bare.
So this weekend I got a chance to catch the Read (say it like the red) play at the Grand Manor. The Read are an awesome band from Cincinnati who play some very good, very dancey punk rock. Here's a video:
I first saw the Read play sometime last summer over at the Grand Manor. My band, the Drinkin' Lincolns got a chance to open up for them last March and it was amazing. We played a cramped basement in Pilsen where the ceiling was just inches away from our heads. The space had previously been used for some kind of performance art piece, and there was baby powder all over the floor. This caused the entire floor of the basement to become a slippery suicide run for those inclined to dance about. Many knee injuries were sustained that night. Their shows are a sweaty, glorious riot. I defy you not to move to their music. Also, Mitch licked my nipple. Always a plus. Check them out.
Alright, so I had planned to do a review for a show I went to this weekend, but I'm having some trouble linking a video. Hopefully I'll be able to put it up later, but until than I thought it would be a good idea to bring attention to a troubling phenomena that I have been witness to recently.
Over the past three weeks I have witnessed three separate incidents of homeless people masturbating.
Let me say that again just to let it sink in for all of you. Over the past three weeks I have witnessed three separate incidents of homeless people masturbating. That's an average of one per week. I don't know about you, but that is well above my threshold for seeing homeless dudes masturbate, like infinitesimally beyond what I am able to cope with.
And let me get this out of the way, it's not as though I have stumbled across some homeless dude jerking off when I was sneaking around some alley late at night. Nope, this has all been in the middle of the day in large public places. The first such incident that I witnessed occurred in the bathroom at the ThompsonCenter. Now, normally I would say that the bathroom is a perfectly reasonable place for a homeless person to masturbate. I understand, he's got needs just like any other man. But here's the problem that I encountered; he wasn't masturbating in a closed stall, no HE WAS MASTURBATING AT THE URINAL STANDING RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME! Now, had I known this before walking up to the urinal, I might have decided to hold it in, or perhaps find another bathroom, but from behind I could not tell. (Apparently this was one of those gentle, "me time" jerk off sessions) But of course this wouldn't be the end of it. I walk into the same bathroom a week later and the SAME FUCKING THING IS GOING ON! This time though I wasn't the only one who seemed concerned. A group of guys gathered and spoke with a janitor about the situation, I didn't stick around to see what happened though, as the chance of getting covered in transient seed was far too great a possibility.
As I was walking across Daley Plaza on a smoke break the other day, I saw a different homeless dude masturbating, quite the change of pace. He was sitting on one of the concrete benches on the east end of the plaza, about twelve feet across from a security station. Now this particular vagabond was much more stealthy when it came to his self abuse, although not enough, obviously. He had his arm up to his elbow down the front of his crusty brown pants. His arm moved up and down vigorously, leaving no doubt in my mind what was happening. I quickly vacated the area, I figure he needs as much privacy as he can get.
Now I don't really know if this has ever happened to you, but let me tell you from first hand experience, this is NOT something that you want to witness. Now as a straight guy seeing any dude jerk off is not exactly on my top ten list of things to do in a day, but if I accidentally walk in on my roommate spanking it when I need a smoke or something, no big deal (for me at least; I know that sometimes when you get interrupted it's hard to get back into it. Oh well, sucks to be him.) But this isn't some small little fauxpas or some other french phrase, this is an intrusion on my senses. Seriously, can you imagine what homeless jock smells like? Don't even try to, you might pass out.
Homeless dudes of the world, please do me a favor and stop jerking it in public. Please. I realize it may be hard for you to control your urges, as some kind of mental deficiency probably made you homeless in the first place, but come on, really? Go find a toilet with a stall door that you can close and do it there, like a respectable tramp.
No. Of course we can’t. What a preposterous notion. Why the hell would we want to anyway? I have no desire at all to make nice with a bunch of squares and inbreds. Fuck ‘em. I know, I know, everyone should be treated like you want to be treated blah blah fucking blah, but in the reality is that’s just not going to happen.
And it shouldn’t. Here’s why:
Having an enemy, an obstacle, is a catalyst. It crystallizes what it is that you are for by defining what it is that you’re against. If you are pro-life, than you’re anti-abortion. It’s plain and simple. The idea of trying to find some kind of consensus, to try to make some kind of peace, when the two sides are diametrically opposed is ludicrous. Sometimes there can be no middle ground and that’s the way it should be. The middle ground is for pussies that are afraid of “offending” some section of the populace. Fuck them and fuck the populace, if I know I’m right and the majority of people are wrong, well than now the majority of the people are my enemy and my life has meaning.
Yeah, that’s right. Having an enemy gives your life meaning.
After a night of heavy drinking I recently allowed one of my friends, who was just as drunk as I was, to tattoo the mark of the beast, 666, on my back. This is symbolic. I don’t believe in Satan as an actual entity, I don’t pray to him or sacrifice babies in hopes that he will grant me some kind of magical evil powers. It is instead a statement about my adversarial relationship with Christianity. I think that Christianity has been responsible for much more harm than good if you look at the whole of human history. Christianity, and indeed almost all organized religions, acts as control on the masses. It is the inhibitor, the authority figure that stands there ready to punish you if you step out of line. They are my enemy. (On a side note, but one that I think is very important to point out, I have no problem with people who actually follow the teaching of Christ as he intended [Outside of the fact that I think belief in any kind of ancient mythology is childish] Christ taught people to be decent to each other, to take care of one another. I defer to Ghandi on this note: “I like your Christ, but he is so unlike your Christians.” I have a problem with the institutions of Christianity and their influence on society)
I don’t want to be everybody’s friend. I want to have relationships with people who I find value in, people who have something to offer. This is why I don’t associate with yuppie pricks who are concerned with money and vanity. Quality is more important than quantity, and so I eschew any idea of “getting along with everybody”. It’s like having a racist friend and justifying it with some bullshit like “well I grew up with the guy” or “he’s just a product of his environment”. No, he’s a prick and you’re a prick for defending him.
He can fuck off and die. He is my enemy.
If I’m going to summarize what I’m trying to say it would go something like this: You can take your hippy-dippy bullshit notions of good vibes and peace and harmony and shove them directly up your ass. If you stand for nothing you fall for anything. I’m not going to sit back and just go with the flow; I will paddle up-river as hard as I can just to show all you turds that it can be done.
“If you’re bored and listless, you just need to get yourself an enemy.”
Do you see this? You do, ok, good you've passed the vision test for this portion or our exam. Now examine the image closely and see if you can tell me why this toy shouldn't exist. Go ahead.
Alright, pencils down. Turn in your papers up front.
Here is the problem with this seemingly harmless child's toy. This toy creates a paradox. What's a paradox you ask? Well, let's look it up:
par·a·dox 1: a tenet contrary to received opinion 2 a: a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps trueb: a self-contradictory statement that at first seems truec: an argument that apparently derives self-contradictory conclusions by valid deduction from acceptable premises 3: one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases
You know, it's basically the old time travel problem of going back in time and killing your father before you were born. If you go back in time and kill your father before you're born than who went back in time if you never existed type deal. You get the picture.
Alright, good, so we're all on the same page now, right? Now, I'm going to assume that everyone has at least some base knowledge in regards to the Hulk. Dr. Bruce Banner was exposed to a large amount of Gamma radiation, and as a result of the radiation he transforms from a mild-mannered scientist into the raging goliath that is the Hulk whenever he gets angry.
Wait a sec, what was that last part? He changes into the Hulk whenever he gets angry.
So how the hell can Hulk be smiling and be Hulk at the same time?
Well, that can't really happen can it? It's a paradox.
Ok, I get it. It's supposed to marketed to little kids, like real little kids in the 3-6 age range. Fine, that's cool and what not, get them hooked early and all that jazz. But it's the goddamn motherfucking Hulk we're talking about here people! The entire basis of the character is that when Dr. Banner gets angry he becomes the Hulk! If you want to make some kind of child friendly version of the character it should be a guy in a lab coat wearing a pair of purple pants! It makes no sense, and it pisses me off, a lot. I care about the proper representation of my comic book heroes a lot more than I care about our shitty economy or North Korea or whatever else everyone has their panties in a twist over at any given point in time. Hulk cannot be happy and be Hulk at the same time!
So thanks Hasbro, for giving me a giant fucking headache.
I am vastly superior to the majority of you reprobates. This is not an opinion, this is fact. I know, I have the independent research to support my hypothesis. So consider yourself humbled and honored for me allowing you to peer into my thoughts. Don't try to get your heads too twisted up in all this though, in all likelihood I still hate you.
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