Adam Lambert is A Punk

Oh hi there, it's been a while, hasn't it? I've been away , business outside of the country, had to keep a close eye on some of "interests". Let's just say it involved the CIA and some wet work, all very illegal, all very erotic. But just because I've been gone doesn't mean that the world has stopped turning, a shock to both yourself and me, I assure you. Today I would like to turn your attention to one American Idol alum, Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert (pictured above) is punk as fuck.

Now hold on a second before you start believing that I've lost my mind. No, I haven't gone mainstream, sold out or any of that business. All I ask that you indulge me for a moment and reserve your judgments until after I've finished.

So this morning I was trolling along the internet as usual, checking out the top stories and such, when I came across an editorial from the Wall Street Journal written by one Peggy Noonan. Now, Peggy's piece references a Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll that claims that 55% of Americans feel like this country is going down the shitter. Hmmm....only 55%, apparently the other 45% of American's have there's heads firmly planted up their asses. I mean there's good reason for Americans to lack faith in the good ole' U.S. of A.'s future. We are currently involved in two wars that don't have any sign of ending, we are facing the worst economic crisis in nearly 80 years, the entire world is facing certain environmental catastrophe , this country's entire industry base has been outsourced; setting up China to be the true superpower of the next century AND millions of Americans are currently living without health care. I mean you would need some really, REALLY good drugs not have a feeling of dread creeping up your psyche. (If anyone is currently in position of said really good drugs, well you know where to find me.) But you see, that's not the real problem. Of course not! I mean the real problem is obvious:

It's the queers. Come on now; it's always the queers.

Well, ok, it's not ALWAYS the queers. Sometimes it's heavy metal, or comic books, or role-playing games, but THIS time it's the queers. At least that's what Peggy Noonan thinks.

To have her explain it, the real problem in America isn't the economic crisis or our endless wars, no it's American Idol's Adam Lambert's really gay performance at the American Music Awards this past November. I don't mean gay in sense of something that a 12 year old thinks is lame, no I mean hot sweaty man on man loving. You see this little glam kid went on ABC in primetime and performed some shitty song, which would have been all fine and good, there's nothing the American public loves more than some reality TV star belting out some bland Top 40 bullshit. But you see the thing is that Adam's performance involved him walking around a guy and girl on a leash (oh no! bondage! *gasp*), miming oral sex (heaven forbid!), and AND making out with another man! The immediate reaction of the typical heterosexual American man after having seen this was the undeniable urge to go out and suck a dick, BECAUSE HE SAW IT ON THE TV! This led to the degradation of American values, the break down of the two parent household and made the baby Jesus cry (right before his birthday, no less).

Now you see Peggy knows what to do in this situation. As well she should. She was a special assistant to the president in the White House of Ronald Reagan; an administration known for their enlightened stance and being for our First Amendment Rights. Oh wait, no they weren't. They were the guys who wanted to put warnings on Twisted Sister records. Yeah, that's right; they hated rock n' roll and brought the Evangelical Right into power. Hmmmm....

You see Peg thinks that we must maintain "Higher, stricter standards" due to the fact that "For years now, without anyone declaring it or even noticing it, we've had a compromise on television." Well, I do agree that we've had a compromise on television for sure, Arrested Development gets canceled but you can still watch 2 1/2 Men. But what I don't agree with is censorship.

The reaction to Lambert's performance on the AMAs is the same old fire and brimstone outrage that the reactionary part of the population always pulls. I mean we really should be used to it. The thing that really gets to me though is that it's always the flag waving patriots who are oh so outraged. Now, I'm no history expert (although I did take honors World Civilization and American History in High School), but one of the big reasons why people came to this country in the first place was to live somewhere they could BE FREE! I fully understand that the initial settlers were bat-shit nuts Christian fundamentalists who fucking burnt people they thought were witches, but, luckily for all of us who have some semblance of a brain, our country was founded by some very forward thinking men who knew the danger of censorship and how important it was to protect the speech of the MINORITY. Here's the first amendment for anyone who's forgotten:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

That seems pretty straight forward, doesn't it? A pretty important cornerstone to our society I would say. It seems to me the most patriotic and American thing that someone could do is to exercise their constitutional rights. Nowhere does it say that one cannot exercise their right when there might be minors present, or those who might find what they have to express to be offensive. The very reason why the first amendment is so important is that it protects the speech that IS offensive. There's no need to protect somebody saying something that everybody agrees with.

For years now we as Americans have watched as our freedoms have been slowly stripped away from us. The social conservatives in this country have always tried to make sure everyone lived by THEIR rules. They've painted everyone who thought differently than them as some kind of monster, waiting in the shadows to shoot up little Jimmy with heroin as they anal rape sweet little Suzy. It doesn't matter what it was- Mexican migrants, Black jazz musicians, communists, feminists, you name it. They've put the blame for all the ills of society on music, art and literature. You can't read Burroughs! You can't listen to a Dead Kennedys record! You should never see work of art that exposes someone's genitals! Because once the devil gets in there, it's harder than hell (get it?) to get him out. Let's get rid of the long hairs, the beatniks and the punks so nice Christian Americans (Real Americans) can live in piece and harmony.

We live in a country that's deeply divided, this is true. We're stuck, we've dug our heels into the ground and we're not going anywhere. People lament the end of the American Century, as if they haven't brought us to this point themselves. Once you halt progress you kill growth, kill evolution. The root of this is fear. When the conservatives saw Adam Lambert on the AMAs they were afraid of him, afraid of the statement he was making. Why are they afraid? Well, they're obviously not comfortable dealing with their own homoerotic tendencies. I've never really understood why straight guys are so intimidated by gay dudes. The way I see the more gay dudes, the more pussy for me. But that's just me.

Also, how about the parents who care so much about what their precious little babies see, I don't know, take charge themselves and TURN OFF THE TV. Better yet, just get rid of your TV.

In MaximumRockNRoll's recent queer issue Mykel Board wrote that being gay/lesbian/whatever isn't really all that queer anymore. Well Mykel you may be right in regards to the insular punk/metal/whatever community, but as far as "Middle America" is concerned being butt pirate or a rug muncher or going back and forth is still considered pretty queer. I love you Mykel Board; but this time YOU'RE wrong.

So here's to you Adam Lambert, you might make horrible music; but you pissed everyone off in the way a true punk rocker does.

-Jon J

ALSO GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD:

- When you think about Green Day's career pretty much encapsulates the history of Rock n Roll itself. They started off as a scrappy little band (Rock n Roll in the 50's) and then exploded into the mainstream (Rock n Roll in the 60's) and have now become the kind of shitty band that makes rock operas and broadway musicals (the 70's). They went from being (young) Elvis to Genesis. That's more than most bands do.

- I got to see MUNICIPAL WASTE on their "Waste the World" tour last month. The show was FUCKING INCREDIBLE! The line-up was Municipal Waste, Phobia, Off With Their Heads and Cauldron. I had never heard Cauldron before and they were absolutely fucking awesome. Spandex, long hair, fast and heavy. Everything a good metal band should have. Off With Their Heads did not disappoint, as I knew they wouldn't, but it was a definite highlight when they played "Call the Cops", as I understand they don't really play that song too often. I could be wrong though. Phobia, well, they bored the shit out me. I like crust, but I need my crust to be FAST. Municipal Waste, well, were Municipal Waste. What I mean by that is they TOTALLY DESTROYED! FACES WERE MELTED! I had a serious bangover the next day.

No, I'm Not Dead

Well, it's been like a month since I last made a post, but fear not, for I have returned! Where have I been you ask? Well, for one thing, mind your business kid; I'm a busy man with a lot of drugs to do. Anyhoo... on to today's important lesson. Just a little over 2 years ago I got dumped my girlfriend of 4 years. In the aftermath of our breakup (it was a doozy to say the least) I joined the online dating site OkCupid. It's basically the hipster dating site, it's free and it's a bunch of art students who drink PBR and such. So, I've been on this site for a minute, it's got it's good points and it's bad points, but overall nothing has really ever come from it. I mean I've gotten laid a couple of times, but whatever. Overall, I don't really use aside from trying to keep awake while at work. Which brings me to today's topic:

I GOT HIT ON BY A NAZI FROM SERBIA

Here, transcribed for you're pleasure, with additional commentary, is our convo. All spelling mistakes are as they were from the original messages, my commentary in bold.

Things started off innocently enough, a little discussion on one of my faves: the four color funnies:

(1:32:30 pm)malaLarva:hey boy

(1:32:50 pm)JonnyBikePunk:hi

(1:33:12 pm)malaLarva:what are common american comic books

(1:33:16 pm)malaLarva:??

(1:34:17 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, we've got the batman and the superman and such, basically all the major superheros

(1:34:45 pm)malaLarva:all good comics here are italian

(1:35:04 pm)JonnyBikePunk:aha, and what are those?

(1:35:42 pm)malaLarva:flash gordon

(1:35:53 pm)malaLarva:zagor

(1:36:05 pm)malaLarva:corto maltese

(1:36:13 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see.

(1:36:39 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i've only heard of flash gordon

Seeing how I didn't really have much to say about Italian comics, I decided to move our little exchange along:

(1:43:05 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so how did you come across my profile dear?

(1:43:35 pm)malaLarva:keyword

(1:43:40 pm)malaLarva:rockabily

(1:44:07 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see. i'm really more of a punk rocker though

(1:44:22 pm)malaLarva:does it matter?

(1:44:48 pm)JonnyBikePunk:not really, although around chicago it can make a difference

This is where things take turn for the weird:

(1:50:36 pm)malaLarva:i am nazi-punk

(1:50:52 pm)JonnyBikePunk:really?

(1:51:28 pm)malaLarva:no one likes us nor punx nor skins

(1:51:53 pm)JonnyBikePunk:why are you a nazi?

Now, I rarely get the opportunity to talk to a gen-u-ine Nazi all that often, so I decided to do some digging and try to see what the fuck is going through this chick's head:

(1:52:10 pm)malaLarva:i dont like yellow aliens

(1:52:23 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, i'm a jew

(1:52:23 pm)malaLarva:they are spreading like roaches all over

(1:52:40 pm)malaLarva: :)

(1:52:54 pm)JonnyBikePunk:what's with the smiley?

(1:53:03 pm)malaLarva:i am not antisammit (antisemitic)

(1:53:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, the nazis kind of tried to exterminate my entire race

(1:53:33 pm)malaLarva:dey did

(1:53:59 pm)malaLarva:they put my grandfathers in camps

(1:54:16 pm)malaLarva:but i still dont like aliens

(1:54:17 pm)JonnyBikePunk:than how can you be a nazi?

(1:54:57 pm)malaLarva:i love my nation

(1:55:33 pm)malaLarva:and i dont like others inside of my borders

(1:56:03 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well that's fine, but identifying as a nazi goes far beyond patriotism. do you think that whites are superior to all other races?

(1:56:17 pm)malaLarva:for sure

(1:56:35 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well that's fucked up

(1:57:08 pm)malaLarva:and i dont mind blasks as long as they fuck their own girls

(1:57:43 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i don't know what to say

I have to say that her statement of "I don't mind blacks as long as they fuck their own girls" to be so ridiculous I nearly laughed out loud. Classic dumb ass hate monger.

(1:58:44 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, do you consider jews to be white or are they a seperate race?

(1:58:58 pm)malaLarva:they are cursed people

(1:59:08 pm)JonnyBikePunk:why's that?

(1:59:14 pm)malaLarva:they killed the son of man

(1:59:32 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, actually the roman empire did that. so you take the bible at face value?

(2:00:50 pm)malaLarva:sure

(2:01:14 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so you don't believe in evolution?

(2:01:33 pm)malaLarva:i dont

(2:02:10 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see

(2:02:51 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, not only am i a jew, but i also put my faith solely in science and not in 2000 year old myths

(2:04:12 pm)malaLarva:than you are not jewish

(2:04:23 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i am by birth

(2:04:46 pm)JonnyBikePunk:my mother is a jew, so that makes me a jew, and i'm very proud of my heritage

(2:04:52 pm)malaLarva:can someone become yew if he was born as muslim?

(2:04:54 pm)malaLarva:he can

(2:05:05 pm)malaLarva:so by that jew is who choses to be

(2:05:11 pm)malaLarva:not the one born as it

(2:05:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:it's still my cultural heritage

(2:05:46 pm)malaLarva:than you are spitting on it

(2:05:57 pm)malaLarva:if you felt as it you would respect it

(2:06:22 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, you obviously never heard of humanist jews

(2:06:33 pm)malaLarva:teach me

(2:08:11 pm)JonnyBikePunk:they're jews who honor they're cultural heritage without the religion. jews are unique because since we've always been segregated in all societies that beyond the religion we're also a separate nation. their are genetic disorder that only jews get. hence a jew is a jew by birth, whether or not they practice the religion

(2:09:27 pm)malaLarva:i dont get taking parts of it an leaving others

(2:09:29 pm)malaLarva:but ok

(2:09:37 pm)malaLarva:you have rite of it

(2:10:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:but you see even though i don't believe in religion doesn't mean i don't have jewish blood

(2:10:40 pm)malaLarva:sure

(2:10:53 pm)malaLarva:but you are not jew if not living as one

(2:11:19 pm)JonnyBikePunk:if you say so, i know plenty of people who would disagree

(2:12:52 pm)malaLarva:common is not always rite

(2:13:48 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i doubt you're an expert in jewish relations

(2:14:03 pm)malaLarva:hehe

(2:14:37 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so what do you think of me than?

(2:14:51 pm)malaLarva:i like you defending yourself

(2:15:06 pm)malaLarva:i hate people siting in silence

(2:15:08 pm)JonnyBikePunk:if i don't who will?

(2:15:15 pm)malaLarva:you ge a big + :)

So there you guys have it, I got a big + from a Nazi. I think she wants to bone, but obviously she's not going to get a piece, what would my mother think?

If there's a common thread through all instances of prejudice that I've seen it's ignorance and willingness to accept things at face value (i.e. the Bible). Blood libel has been used against the Jews for centuries and it continues to this day. Than there's the notion of patriotism or nationalism or whatever you want to call it. With god and country on your side how you feel that you're in the right to do whatever is needed. The mindset is inherently narrow and as you can see above, difficult to reason with. Hopefully this chick will grow up one day and see how fucked her mindset is. If not, I hope she gets hit by a bus.

-Jon J

Holy Shit!

Well well well....It appears as though people are actually reading this thing now. Fuck, now there's going to be expectations and the inevitable backlash of people telling me I've sold out or am not as funny or somesuchshit. Bring it on internet; I can take it.



So it's Friday, and I've got a three day weekend! Extra Fuck Yeah! My plans for the weekend are to take in the sights and sounds at this year's Riot Fest. Well, in all likelihood I won't be able to make to tonight's show, which really sucks because that means I'll be missing the Murder City Devils and the Dead Milkmen. Aw nuts! But I will be making it out for the Saturday and Sunday shows, so expect to hear a little bit about that on Tuesday, maybe Wednesday depending on my hangover status.



Speaking of hangover status; everyone should go over check out my friend Doug's blog! http://shutyerfuckingmouth.blogspot.com/

Doug is a man filled with rage who likes to drink. A lot. He's documenting every drink he has in the month of October! Will be able to make it through? Without going to jail or dying? Well, you'll just have to wait and see! Aha!



Peace out kids, I'll see you next week.



-Jon J

It's About Goddamn Time!

So NASA is finally getting off it's ass and doing something worthwhile for a change: BOMBING THE MOTHERFUCKING MOON! HELL YEAH! It' about goddamn time. Seriously, we've been running low on stuff to bomb on Earth. We've bombed deserts, forests, the tropics, oceans, islands and whatnot. We really are running out of options of stuff to bomb. We've bombed yellow people and brown people, it's about time we bomb some green people.

I hope this ushers in an entire new era of bombing stuff. Why stop at the moon? The sun's always been so fucking high and mighty, let's NUKE THAT SHIT! Mars, I've got my eye on you, ship up and mind your Ps and Qs and maybe you wont get a SCUD right on that nice red clay surface you've got there.

America: If you've got it, we'll bomb it.

*********

Alright, so anyway I actually think that this really is pretty awesome. The goal this particular mission is for NASA to create a large crater on the dark side of the moon, allowing their LCROSS spacecraft to check for signs of water on the moon; thus furthering our understanding of the make up of the moon and potentially finding resources that would allow a potential Lunar colony.

Fucking hell yeah motherfuckers.

*********

So the Lubatvitch have set up a Sukkah outside of the Daley center. You see, the Lubatvitch are an orthodox sect of Judaism and a Sukkah is a temporary hut thing that jews construct to celebrate Sukkot. It symbolizes the kind of hut things that jews had to live in when they were wondering around in the desert for forty years (no one wanted to ask for directions to Jerusalem). Whatever, that's cool and all. So they've got all these little Hasid kids running around, asking if you're jewish and than doing these prayer thing with a lemon and a twig. Well, somehow my jew-blood must of tripped their sensors and the kid came up to me yesterday and I did the prayer thing and held the lemon and the twig, just like when I was a kid. I honored my heritage and whatnot. But because Sukkot is a week long, now this kid is running up to me trying to get me to do it again. Dude, no offense, but I'm down with Lou. Both Reed and Lucifer, not so much with the Moses dude.

Bottom line: Leave me alone when I'm on a smoke break.

-Jon J

Shit That Is Awesome: A Positive Portrayal of Satan Courtesy of Star Trek

Have you ever seen Star Trek: The Animated Series? It's fucking sweet! It's an old Filmation cartoon from the mid-Seventies that continued the adventures of Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew of the Strarship Enterprise. It's typical bad Filmation Seventies animation, lots of stock shots and close ups on character's eyes and such to limit the actual amount of animation that had to be done. Super old school! As if that's not enough already, the original cast supplies the voices for they're cartoon counterpoints! Hell yeah!

Alright, so this show is like all the other Filmation shows from the 60's/70's. It's kind of shoddily animated and the pacing is kind of slow, but whatever, that's what kids used to get on Saturday mornings, and they liked it dagnabit! But what truly elevates this cartoon above the cluttered Saturday morning landscape is a little episode "The Magicks of Mega-Tsu". In this episode the Enterprise is investigating something in space like they always do. I don't exactly remember what it was, maybe a wormhole or maybe Kirk was just cruising for some alien tail, but whatever. So anyway the Enterprise is orbiting this planet when all of sudden who should appear on the deck? Why Old Split-Foot himself; Lucifer! Well, apparently he goes by Lucien on his home planet, but we all know who they're talking about. Just look at the picture above! Anyway, Lucien takes the crew down to his planet where they discover that magic is for real as far is this planet is concerned. But the crew is only able to chill for a minute, because Lucien starts to freak out that they're going to get caught. Why is this a big deal? Well the crew is about to find out.

You see, as it turns out, the Megans visited earth long ago. In fact the entire Christian myth about Satan turns out to be kind of true, except that Satan wasn't really all that bad of a guy. Also the Salem Witch Trials where actually brought against the Megans, which is why they left earth. So they decide to take their revenge by putting the crew of the Enterprise on trial, Salem style! Heads in stocks and everything! But who comes to their defense? Why Lucien of course! (Man, it seems like I'm using a lot of exclamation points in this. Why? Because it's that awesome!) So a bunch of stuff happens, and it looks like it's going to be end for Kirk and his crew, but than Kirk saves the day by reasoning with them blah blah blah. Lessons are learned and hearts are warmed. Lucien was on the side of the humans the entire time, and in the end Kirk saves him from the Megans themselves, which in turn proves to the Megans that might be able to trust the humans after all. Yea! How does Lucien celebrate? Beers all around! And all of this on Saturday morning? Extra Fuck Yeah.

My fellow lovers of the Dark Lord, we should hold this episode up as a truly first rate piece of art. How often is Satan portrayed as being the bad guy? Like, every goddamn time! But here we have a positive portrayal of the dude, just a guy who wants to chill and kick back a few brews, someone who's been misunderstood and mistreated by the mainstream. An underdog, an outsider who's really a good guy at heart. Fucking awesome.

Hail Satan!

-Jon J

South of the Mason-Dixon

I returned from Nashville late Sunday night/early Monday morning. I think I'm finally recovered from the weekend, it took me a minute but I've finally put the pieces back together. So here is my somewhat hazy reflection on my time spent in the Dirty South!

***********************************

(From a phone call on the way back North)

"How was Nashville?"

"Fun."

"What did you do?"

"Got drunk, rode bikes."

"So pretty much the same thing you do here?"

"Yeah, just eight hours away."

***********************************

I had gotten off of work around noon on Thursday, took the half day as we had planned on leaving around 2:00 in the PM. I was beat, as I am in a constant battle with insomnia. When I got home I had a quick bite to eat and attended to some final business before leaving the homestead behind. I changed out of my work clothes into a black t-shirt and black jeans, with my gas station attendant Rat Patrol shirt on over it. I packed a pair of shorts and another t-shirt to make it through the weekend. I packed a couple of notebooks, my iPod and a copy of WiRED for to break the monotony of the road. Smoked a bowl and was out the door.

I arrived at Michael and Michelle's house in Ukrainian Village. The crew was complete following Whiskey Joe's arrival, a few minutes after I showed up. Michael and Michelle, formerly of the Hell's Satans, and Danny Madness filled out the car and we piled our bikes up and made way for Nashville post-haste.

As we crossed the Illinois/Indiana line I saw anti-evolution sign and a shiver went down my spine. Indiana smells bad, I don't know why exactly, but every time I find myself their I am always taken back by the smell. We stopped for coffee and cigarettes, goodbye Cook County taxes! Adding fuel to Michael and Michelle's vehicle we returned to the open rode.


We passed the time on our way down to Nashville smoking hitters and bullshitting. Michael and Michelle are in many ways the perfect couple, they're older than the rest of us, sometimes acting in an almost parental role to the Chicago Rats, sometimes a bit more like an older brother and sister. Whiskey Joe don't smoke the reefers, but we did crack open a bottle of Early Times to make the time go by a little easier. People grabbed naps and we stopped for food and to relieve ourselves a few times. Around midnight we pulled up to the Rat Trap in Nashville.

We were the second car down from Chicago that made it in. Earlier Jessie's car arrived with Rachel, Yannis, and Danarchy in toe. We were greeted by Steve-O and Daniel, owners and operators of Nashville's Rat Trap flophouse for transient bike punks. Joey Jello and his girlfriend, Dotti, emerged from the backyard and greeted us.

We made our way into the backyard, which had been turned into a shanty-town with blue tarps erected as makeshift tents (the threat of rain all weekend made this a necessity.) But that was not the only questionable structure in that backyard dear reader, they had also built a Thunderdome. Well, dome might be too generous a description of the shape of this monstrosity, but for brevity's sake let's just call it the Thunderdome. It was built out bikes welded together with chicken wire surrounding the enclosure. We sat around a pit fire, drinking beers and whiskey until late into the night. Slowly people made their way into the house, calling it a night, until it was only Whiskey Joe, Danny Madness and myself left. We finished our whiskey and smoked some weed, and discussed our opinions on psychology. Rat Patrol philosophers circle.

We arose the next day to more out of towners arriving. Biggles and Kat made it up from southern Illinois, representing the Klunkers. We elected Tori to be the Mayor of shanty town, having erected another building and a tent in a short amount of time.
A group of us spent the morning watching the director's cut of Highlander. It was decided that at the conclusion of bike games there would be shouts of "There can only be one!" We bought forties and the day swirled away from us. The kegs arrived, a party was at hand. Rock n Roll was committed in the laundry room, by the far the smallest space I've ever seen a band play. The name of the first groups escapes me, but the second group on was Daniel's very own Heavy Cream. Garage rocking with chicks. I liked it, but passed out not too long after. The booze will do that to you. A rodeo-do.

Ah, sweet sweet Saturday. Any morning that begins with fresh keg beer is a good morning indeed. An observation; Nashville kids smoke shitty weed, but they smoke a ton of it. The Nashville girls are cute, and everyone is friendly as hell. Today would be the day that Moon Bounce was to be delivered. We waited in hot anticipation to see if they would let us even keep it. When the moon bounce people arrived Daniel went to go and talk with them. They explained the rules, no sharp objects, no shoes, no more than four of us in the moon bounce at a time. I think that they were banking on us destroying the moon bounce so that they could get a new one. But there would be none of that! We made an addition to their rules; NO PANTS IN THE MOON BOUNCE!

But the day wasn't all drinking and moon bounces friend, today was going to be about bikes. Nashville is a very hilly place. I found out later that the Nashville Rats had purposely picked out the hilliest routes possible to torture us flatlanders. None the less I tackled the hills with gusto, huzzah! Perhaps a little to much gusto (gusto means whiskey- but you should have already guessed as much). Following the first round of tall-bike jousting we made our way to the Halycon bike shop for whip lash. This is were the story turns tragic, gentle reader, for in my drunken state I ate shit coming down a small incline and scraped my right side into the gravel at the end of the parking lot.

From than on my recollection grows hazy. There were several more rounds of jousting, foot down was played in a large parking lot that covered in glass. Dotti threw flour on everyone as they rode by. Jousted under an underpass in the heart of Nashville, picked up some Red Bull girls and brought the back to the party. Party, party, party, pass out.

Sunday we had Mexican food at La Hacienda, it was amazing. 45 ounce margaritas were $8.49. We packed up, said our goodbyes and made our way back to Chicago.

***********************************

ME: Man, I think I got a mosquito bite on my dick.


JOE: At least someone got their dick sucked in Nashville.

Do I Really Need To Come Up WIth a Title? I Do? Well, Alright Then....

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I was before, been busy, hustling for that dollar. Also, I've been hungover a lot lately, which is not the ideal mode to be in while trying to organize thoughts. So what's new? Patrick Swayze died, and I didn't care. Nothing against the guy, Point Break is fucking incredible, but when Jim Carroll dies the day before and no one seems to give a fuck, I can't really give a fuck about some washed up actor. But there are bigger fish to fry; namely one who likes fish dicks, Mr. Kanye West.

So at the recent VMAs Kanye West jumps on stage during Taylor Swift's acceptance for the Best Female Video award and proceeds to rant about how Beyonce deserved the award, everyone's outraged blah blah blah. But you know what? I don't think it's that shocking. This Kanye West after all, if anything he's shown that he never knows when to keep his mouth shut. More so, I think Kanye can be held up as an example of our generation.
I'm completely serious. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I think it's stock and trade for Generation Y to be prone to egotistical outbursts and attention grabbing behavior. We're talking about people who grew up with the little league culture of "everyone gets a trophy" and Barney telling all the kids that they're special and unique blah blah fucking blah. American culture is all about self-promotion, accolades for little achievement. Paris Hilton is famous because she's, well, famous. Stars don't get treated like everyone else, they're special and unique flowers who must be handled with care all the goddamn time, you wouldn't want to rattle them would you? We all know how fragile they are, precious stones to be shined and put on display in a glass case.

That's all well and good for the Hollywood set, stars have been pampered, self-centered babies forever, but the attitude is leaking from those rarefied heights down the line to the rest of the chum. The generation brought up on the junk culture of ego and celebrity have also had access to all these social networking sites from an early age. Kids get to stroke their egos and quantify their popularity, creating a culture of pompous self-importance. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, all tools used to continually reinforce for people their popularity, their social value. Because of this, I nominate Kanye West as the spiritual leader for this new generation of self-centered 20 something babies. He is a symbol of commitment to one's ego, the "me first" attitude. Who else can be such a consummate jackass as the illustrious Mr. West. Paris Hilton? Eh, we've kind of moved past all that, haven't we?

**************************************

So I will be away from sweet home Chicago for the next 3 days, trading in the city of big shoulders for some southern hospitality. I'll be in Nashville for the Hootenanny, I plan on drinking moonshine and riding bikes all day. I haven't really gone anywhere this summer, not even to jaunt up north to Milwaukee, Algonquin for the "Good Land", so it will be nice to cross some state lines. Hoping to return with a tall tale or two, and maybe, just maybe, some fresh injuries. For those of you in Chicago this weekend I suggest checking out the Brew Not Bombs show on Saturday, the 19th. Good friends the Read and Al Scorch will be playing along with local favorites Sassdragons and The Rustbelt Ramblers. Last but not least, we've got two of my favorite bands playing, Bloomington Indiana's Defiance, Ohio and This Bike is A Pipe Bomb out of Pensacola, Florida. Check it out for the rock and roll musics. 3951 W Fullerton 8:00pm $8

That's all
-Jon J

I Have Some New Enemies....

Some kids that live right across the street from me have started a band. I should have seen it coming, really. How long could we have been the only game in town?

It started some point over this summer, my recollection wasn't completely crystal, therefore the exact time that I first noticed the banging I can't quite put my finger on. But one day I did hear it; the birth of a shitty drummer. There was the sound of muffled crashes and snare drums, slow, embarrassingly offbeat fills, shifting, changing beats without rhyme or reason. And thus it began.

Some weeks later I first heard the addition of a second instrument to this mess. I began to hear the sounds of a thin, trebley guitar over the din of those talentless drums. Upon the addition of this new threat plaguing our gentle eardrums, my friend Karl and I dragged my amp out to the front stoop, plugged in and played some improvised front stoop blues. With Austin holding it down on the mouth organ (harmonica for the uninitiated) and Karl on guitar I sang a song of Mexican food gone bad:

I could have a burrito,
I could have had a quesedilla,
But I had a bad taco
Now I've got diarrhea

Yes, I really am quite clever aren't I? Anyway, we claimed our victory and drank our beers in celebration. Where were their beers you may ask? Losers don't get beers.

But alas, our victory was short lived. Now this rag tag bunch of moppets (I assume them all to have their hair in disheveled mop-tops that flow wildly as they twitch and bob their heads as is so popular with these "beat groups" of today)has added a screechy, worbly lead singer to howl over their unexciting, amateurish clatter. (I have no problem with amateurish clatter, as I do it often myself, but please, give me EXCITEMENT AND DANGER!)Now this all fine and good. These kids are just starting out on their road to local obscurity and poorly recorded demos, house shows and maybe even a 7-inch that they will lose money putting out, and that's all well and good, but, the real crux of the problem is this: They play "American Music" by the Violent Femmes at their rehearsals somewhere between 10 and 30,432,122 times per practice. And it's my favorite Violent Femmes song.

Well, at least it was.

First they come into my hood, where I am the reigning king of rock n roll, and try to usurp my throne. Next, they set about a campaign of psychological warfare by ruining one of my favorite songs. Oooh, they have no idea what I have in store for them. I'm going to steal their guitarist (the only member of the band who doesn't suck) and we're going to start an amazing garage rock band, he's going to get addicted to heroin and then the band will implode. For the other two, well I'm just going to fuck their girlfriends. And then I'm going to steal all their equipment.

That'll show 'em.

-Jon J

The Right Wing Needs To Get Clipped

You have to be retarded to be a conservative. I say this not because of any of their positions or beliefs or what not (although it does make them idiots) but it's their reaction to everything, actually it's more like their OVERREACTION to everything.

This time around it's the fact that Barack Obama plans on addressing the nation's school children. Next Tuesday the president plans on making a televised appearance to encourage kids to study hard and stay in school. Not unlike former president George H. Bush's address to school kids in 1991 to encourage kids to say no to drugs. But if you listen to all the backwards thinking, evolution denying neo-cons out their Obama plans to indoctrinate America's youth with his socialist agenda.

Alright, let's get one thing straight right here, right now. Barack Obama is NOT A SOCIALIST. If he was I would be a lot happier with the guy. He's in corporate America's back pocket just like every other politician. (Just check out his bailout for proof of that.) There by he's not going to push some socialist agenda, he doesn't have one. Let's examine a quote from one mom who's obviously full of shit:

"Thinking about my kids in school having to listen to that just really upsets me," a suburban Colorado mother, Shanneen Barron, told CNN affiliate KMGH-TV in Denver.

"I'm an American. They are Americans, and I don't feel that's OK. I feel very scared to be in this country with our leadership right now."

Yeah, it's scary to think about someone encouraging your children to stay in school and study, because then they might be able to think, which obviously is some kind of issue for you.

So your an American eh? And your kids are too? Well guess what? So is the president. Um, so you can shut the fuck up now. Read a goddamn book, something other than the bible, and then you can open your mouth again.

Fuck this country.

-Jon J

There's A Lot Going On With Dead Rock Stars Today

Two things in the news today that have to do with dead rock icons. First, there's word that "Sublime" will be continuing their "reunion" by playing the Smokeout Fest October 24-26th. Secondly we have word that the Sussex police are reopening their investigation into the 1969 death of Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones.

Alright, let's start out by working backwards towards the present. Brian Jones was found dead in the pool of East Sussex home (formerly owned by Winnie the Pooh creator A.A. Milne) on July 3rd, 1969. At the time the Sussex police ruled Jone's demise to be the result of "death by misadventure" (which is how I hope to go out). Almost immediately accusations were made that the police hadn't thoroughly investigated the death and that Jones hadn't died from "misadventure" but had in fact been murdered.

Well the Sussex police have reopened the case. Although they have not revealed any new evidence or leads or any real reasons for reopening the case, they are treating it as a murder investigation this time around. For years people close to Jones have said that Jones died at the hands of Frank Thorogood, a live-in builder at Jones' residence at the time of his death. Thorgood died in 1994. Hopefully this new investigation will finally answer the question of how did Brian Jones really die some forty years after the fact.

Moving on, 90's ska/punk act Sublime will be reuniting to play Cypress Hill's Smokeout Fest this year. But wait a second, is Sublime's frontman, lead singer and songwriter Bradley Nowell dead? Yep, as a doornail. So how can this be you ask? Well, the other two guys in Sublime found some dude who sounds like Brad and are going to go around calling themselves Sublime. Worked for the Germs right?

It's been the trend of late for bands that have disbanded to get back together and go on the reunion tour circuit. Just this year we've blink 182 and No Doubt get back together and do large scale summer tours. The Misfits and The Dead Kennedys have been up to the entire reunion gig thing for years now, both with new lead singers. Now, I've got much less of a problem with the blinks and the No Doubts out there reforming. They've reformed as intact bands with the same members that you remember being in those bands. Then there's the second tier, the Misfits and Dead Kennedys out there who have replace their revered, but still living, lead singers with some ringers so they can go out on the road and make a quick buck or two. This is lame as fuck and anyone who would shell out good money to go and see these acts is a chump of the highest regard. But that's not the worst of it, oh no.

The real worst of the worst is the bands who a pivotal member has not just left the band, but DIED and then they reform with some ringer up their on the mic. It's necrophilic karaoke just after the quickest of bucks. Look, we've had The Doors of the 21st Century, Queen + Paul Rodgers, The Germs with Shane West and now we've got Sublime with some dude named Rome. Not only do these act reform, tour and sometimes put out new records, but PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY PAY TO SEE THEM! Why? What's the point of seeing some over-hyped, glorified tribute band? I don't know, for me when I have a connection with a group I find to be in the worst taste to go see some facsimile band pretending to be said band. Would you go see the Beatles without John and George? The Clash without Joe Strummer? Nirvana without Kurt Cobain? I wouldn't, but I have a feeling some of you out there would, and that's terrible.

There ought to be a law, that's all I'm saying. The Federal Don't Reform Band Whose Members Are Dead Act. I want to see this on the senate floor by next week people. Get to work, write your congressman today.

-Jon J

Mickey Mouse Can Fuck Off

The (not so) fine folks over at Disney have been doing a lot to piss me off lately. First, they announce plans to remake the classic Beatles cartoon, Yellow Submarine. Earlier today it was announced that Disney plans on acquiring the Marvel Entertainment Group for around $4 Billion dollars.

Man, that's a fuckton of money. Maybe Spidey can quit working for the Daily Bugle.

Now, on the surface one giant media company buying a smaller media company is nothing new. But what concerns me is what does this mean for Marvel? Disney is a family friendly company, and I don't talking tea cups and singing lobster mixing with the likes of the Punisher or Wolverine.

All this is going to do is further homogenize the comics industry, we'll be seeing Magneto with some Mickey Mouse ears any day now. I wonder if they'll alter Magneto's back story to make it so he never went through the Holocaust, because we all know how much Walt loved those brown shirts.

Whatever, I like DC better anyway.

(Sorry if this isn't as good as my usual posts, I have too much shit on my mind right now to focus on anything.)

What happened to Change?

In November 2008 the American people elected Barack Obama to office on a platform of hope and change. It's now almost September of 2009 and little has changed and people are losing hope(at least they should be).

One of the key points of Obama's campaign was the issue of fixing America's broken health care system. The mixed public-private health care system that we use in this country is the single most expensive in the world, medical debt is the number one cause of personal bankruptcy in the United States. The cost of health care for a single person is higher than any other nation in the world.

When confronting the issues facing health care reform in the 2008 elections Barack Obama campaigned with a platform of Universal Health Care. If you were to believe the promises made during the campaign, Obama wanted to create a system in which, through the creation of the National Health Insurance Exchange, both private insurance plans and a government run option. People would have health care regardless of the status of their health, and premiums would not vary based on that health status. Adults would not be required to have health insurance, but parents would be required to provide health insurance for their children. Obama's proposal included implementing guaranteed eligibility for affordable health care for all Americans, paid for by insurance reform, reducing costs, and requiring employers to either furnish meaningful coverage or contribute to a new public plan. In July 2008 while campaigning Obama promised to "bring down premiums by $2,500 for the typical family." Sounds great, but is Obama doing what he promised?

Well, not really. As of August 2009 our President has seemed to totally forgotten about his earlier promises. The bill currently on the congressional floor, supported by President Obama, would require all employers and individuals to buy health insurance or pay a penalty as well as removing the option for a public health care system from insurance choices. This doesn't exactly sound like what Obama was talking about on the campaign trail.

Now, I may get jumped for saying this, but it's times like this that I wish Barack Obama was more like George W. Bush. Now hold on a second before storming out and never reading this blog again. There wasn't anyone who was more anti-Bush than me in those dark, dark years. The man was an imbecile, war mongering coke head who believed that he was on a mission from god. These are not the qualities that one should look for in a leader. Obama is pretty much the exact opposite of Bush in almost every way possible. Obama is intelligent, thoughtful and well spoken. He's someone who takes his time and ways his options carefully. But he's also kind of a pussy.

If George W. Bush had one quality that can be respected it's the fact that he stuck to his guns. He never wavered, always pushed his agenda (or Cheney's agenda, or whatever corporate agenda) forward without doubt that he was right. We could use a little more of that attitude from Obama right about now. The compromises that Obama has made in regards to health care reform are gigantic, from promising us all Universal Health Care while campaigning to now basically more of the same bullshit that we've always had in this country. It's times like these that require strong leadership, but instead we've been left with a weak-willed president who doesn't want to offend anyone.

Alright Barack, I see through you now. You're not the bastion of hope and change that you promised in the election. You're just another politician who's unwilling to take a strong stand when it's important. You've broken promises, you've waffled and flip-flopped and shown your true colors. I'm sick of politicians. At the very least George W. Bush never gave a fuck what anyone thought about him or his actions. Not congress, not the voters or the rest of the world. Take a page from his book and grow a pair.

That's all.

-Jon J

Movies That Should Be Made: Teen Wolf Meets RoboCop

Ok, so everything gets remade nowadays. Everything gets the relaunch, reboot or whatever. So how about killing two birds with one stone? Listen up Hollywood, because this shit is gold.

What I'm talking about is combining two of the best things to come out of the eighties. Teen Wolf of course was the touching coming-of-age tale about a young man dealing with puberty. Unfortunately he grows a lot more hair than normal. But his transformations from teen to teen wolf also make him the star of the basketball team! Huzzah!

RoboCop is of course Officer Alex Murphy, slain in the line of duty but brought back to life as a cyborg who delivers the justice. The thing is that RoboCop was created by Omni Consumer Products, an evil corporation with plans to foreclose on Detroit so they can build their futuristic Delta City. But what happens when Teen Wolf's basketball team comes to play Detroit? They're kidnapped by OCP for experiments on their new RoboTeen program!

Teen Wolf is able to escape their clutches and seeks out RoboCop for help. RoboCop, reluctant at first to help Teen Wolf with his predicament, eventually relents and the two team up to rescue Teen Wolf's fellow teammates. There will be a big fight seen and things will blow up. Teen Wolf learns more of what it means to be an adult, and RoboCop is on the road to regaining his humanity.

Roll credits, the end.


Now why aren't I being paid for shit like this?

-Jon J

AFI Is A Joke

Hey everybody! Does anyone remember a band by the name of AFI? Oh you do, excellent. Wait, did you just call them "that gothy punk band with the dude that looks like a chick"? Well, that's really not accurate, for one thing Davey Havoc cut his hair, and no longer looks like chick. You also called them a punk band. They USED to be a punk band, but that hasn't really been the case in a number of years. At this point you can really only categorize them as one thing: a giant fucking joke.

Look at this horrible, ugly piece of shit album cover. That's the cover for the new AFI album, Crash Love. Ummm...... weird hearts that envelop the word crash written in cursive is not what a punk band puts on their album cover. And what's with the weird gold background? Who designed this? A 14 year old girl, that's who. It has to be, because I refuse to believe that any adult would make something this retarded. I don't even need to listen to this album to know that it's going to be a giant, steaming turd. Mr. Havoc has this to say on the new album: "I am so proud of this record. I really believe it's the best AFI record. It honestly feels like we've made our first truly timeless record. We didn't set out to do that--you can't set out to do something like that--but it definitely feels like that's what we've achieved: created the album by which we'll be remembered".

Alright, now I'm going to rewrite that sentence to make it a little more accurate. "I am so ashamed of this record. I really believe it's the worst AFI record. It honestly feels like we've made our first truly pointless record. We didn't set out to do that--you can't set out to do something like that--but it definitely feels like that's what we've achieved: created the album by which we'll be remembered as a band of fucktards."

Stop. Remaking. Movies.

Guess what kids, some Hollywood fuckheads think that remaking Yellow Submarine is a great idea! Early today Mike Fleming of Variety reported that Robert Zemeckis and Disney are planning on doing a remake of the classic Beatles cartoon.

What the fuck? Is this really necessary? No, it's not. The original cartoon was absolutely brilliant, so what's the point of doing it over again? I don't know about you, but I grew up on the Beatles, it's a cherished childhood memory for me and I know it is for a lot of other people out there. It's not as though you can't go out and buy a copy of the original movie on DVD or whatever. Hollywood needs to start coming up with their own ideas instead of pillaging cinema's past to turn a buck nowadays.
I have an idea, why not make an animated Flaming Lips movie? Their entire oeuvre would work perfectly for a psychedelic cartoon. You can have giant pink robots and bubbles floating everywhere, it would be really cool, and all though slightly derivative, a new movie instead of a rehash of an old one.

That's all I have to say on the subject.

On a side note, I added Abe Lincolns quotes to my blog a couple days ago. Why? Abe Lincoln's the motherfucking man, motherfuckers. More on that later.

-Jon J

It's 2009 and I'm Still Bitching About Clear Channel Conclussion

Continued from yesterday.....

Back in Grand Rapids there are some signs of hope. A few years ago some students got together in a store front and start hosting shows. They dubbed themselves the DAAC; the Division Ave. Arts Cooperative. They inhabited a store front in a part of Grand Rapids that was undergoing an “urban renewal” i.e. clearing out the crack houses and the gang activity. Down the street was Skelatones; a coffee house hosting local shows. Slowly things were coming back to life.

One of the aspects of our current predicament is that it forces a community to go back to the long held ideal of DIY. When all the outlets are in the control of one hand, musicians and fans are forced to seek out some way to get there music out. Embracing the basements and coffee houses, college radio stations and the internet as a means to get music out there and bring people together creates a more immediate and personal experience. When I think back to the best I’ve been to or have played it’s inevitably some cramped, sweaty space with scores of kids brought together for a single purpose. By creating our own alternative media outlets we have the ability to control the content, we don’t need to force-fed what some marketing people think is the next big thing. How much longer does broadcast radio have anyway? We live in an ever changing world; with new technologies being developed every single day, radio is a dinosaur at this point, doomed for extinction. Maybe we should just let the vulture pick at the rotting corpse.

But the reality is that for the time being the majority of people are still going to listening to broadcast radio. That means that most people are going to be exposed to a limited range of artists, a limited range of sounds. As far as I’m concerned what Clear Channel is doing is basically tantamount to brainwashing. Maybe their entire goal is to get people to stop listening to music.

I want our airwaves back; plain and simple. There used to be enough room for everyone to have their little piece of the pie, there’s plenty of frequencies on that dial. But now that pie is getting smaller and smaller. If we let this continue one day there won’t be any left at all.

For the first time in my life I wish I could turn on a smooth jazz station in Chicago.