Loren Cass Is A Steaming Pile

Have you seen the movie Loren Cass? Well you don’t have to because I did. Why did I do such a thing? I had heard from my various sources that this was something of a “punk” movie; I was hoping of something of a modern Suburbia. Unfortunately what I got was a meandering, vague, unfocused turd of a film.

From what I was able to gather, this movie is about three “disenfranchised” 20-something Floridians who drift about, fuck and drink at people’s houses and all the other normal shit that we all do. But wait! It’s set against the back drop of racial disharmony! Well, at least I think that’s what’s going on. I really couldn’t tell you too much of what’s happening in this movie because the entire thing is so disjointed that it’s really something of endurance challenge to get through it

You have the skinhead guy, and he’s always walking around all angry. Then you have some other kid who meets this chick because her car breaks down and something and they start fucking. Then the director decides to cut to a TV screen with cops standing around and black people rioting, or maybe a blank screen for 30 seconds while you hear a voice ranting about something that doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Then they’ll cut to some house party or something and everyone looks pissed off or emotionally damaged or some other such shit. Occasionally while this entire mess is going in front of you’re eyes you’ll hear a narrator start to say a bunch of vague shit about “isolation” or “desperation” or some other really deep thing that this movie is trying to say.

And who’s doing this narration you might ask? None other than Keith Morris of Circle Jerks fame and Blag Dhalia of the Dwarves! Leftover Crack’s in the movie too! Punk rock!

Let’s talk about Leftover Crack’s role in the movie for a moment: At some point someone in the movie (I have no idea if it was the skinhead guy or the other guy) goes to see Leftover Crack. The entire sequence looks like someone smuggled a video camera into the show and bootlegged it to impress their other 9th grade friends. Half the shots are of the floor. The director cuts in and out of different songs without any real reason, making it some kind of awful audio collage of parts of different songs. The entire sequence is absolutely awful.

Yet somehow this awful, steaming pile has gotten a bunch of praise. Check out what the New York Times had to say:

“Overtly, ingeniously experimental in form, Loren Cass cuts among these three and an assortment of local wasted youth in an elliptical, intuitive manner, alternating listless scenes of opaque introspection and booze-fueled bumming around with sharp bursts of violence. The movie is a tour de force of mood and milieu, marshaling a hundred vivid details of landscape: parking lots, packing crates, shopping carts, peeling wallpaper, broken bottles, cheap salads, over-lighted diners, oily garages.”

What the fuck?! Did the director suck the dude at the Times dick or something? This movie is an entirely masturbatory mess that was made by some shitty no-talent who thinks he’s some kind of visionary “artist.” “… a tour de force of mood and milieu”? Really? What mood exactly? Utter and complete boredom? That’s the only mood I was in when I watched it! I thought this movie was going to end about ten separate times before it actually did. There is absolutely nothing to care about in this movie — not a single character, event or even moment makes this movie at all enjoyable. If I were to sum it up in one sentence it would have to be this: Loren Cass is the worst goddamn movie I’ve ever seen.

-JON J

I'm Terrorfied!!! Or The Great American Facepalm

There's been a lot of recent criticism of the way that Obama has handled the Antiterrorism initiative since taking office last year. The right wing balked at the (as yet still pending) closing of Guantanamo Bay, the ending of interrogations by the CIA (now to be done by a new group led by the FBI) and the plan to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind behind 9/11, in a civilian court, granting him full protection under the Constitution (Egads!). The left has criticized the troop surge, and his extension of the Patriot Act. Oh yeah! And the fact that Guantanamo Bay is still open! So know some want a return to the old school two-fisted Cheney school of Antiterrorism; namely shoot 'em all and let (white man's) God sort 'em out.


Well, now that we have all that lovely background out of the way, let's move onto what's really important; WHAT I THINK!


I was 15 years old when 9/11 happened. I'm 24 now. Basically what that means is that there's hasn't been a time in my adolescence or young adult life when my country wasn't at war in the middle east. If I want to stretch further back I can remember watching the events of Desert Storm unfold on TV when I was but a wee little turd. So what I'm saying is that I've seen a lot of brown people get blown up on TV. A lot. Now, I understand that so far my exposure has largely been second hand; you know from newspapers, TV news, films, books and the stories from other kids my age who have had a tour, or several, of Iraq or Afghanistan. I'm not some big important politician who REALLY understands how the world works, so I understand that my solutions may be, oh shall we say, a bit naive (And by naive I mean no one really gets rich of it). But what the hell? I'll give it a shot.


As anyone who has devoted any real thought to the subject knows you can't fight terrorism. The British tried to do it and they got America.


Here's the real deal right here: we need to GET THE FUCK OUT of the Middle East as a whole. You can't fight these people. It's simply not possible; how do you win? They have an endless supply off soldier who are willing to sacrifice themselves and become martyrs for their cause. And really that's the key; the people doing this aren't career soldiers, they're fanatics. They will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, and frankly America won't except the kind of casualties that a victory would require.


Here's something I don't think that a lot of people realize either; by staying in Afghanistan we're actually playing directly into Osama bin Laden's hands. No one can control Afghanistan, that's why it's been basically controlled by warlords throughout it's entire history. But that doesn't mean that bin Laden can't get the U.S. completely bogged down there, spending trillions of dollars, taking thousands of lives and cripple our economy. I mean he did the EXACT GODDAMN THING BEFORE TO RUSSIA! Come on! Are we really this fucking shortsighted? Yeah, I guess so.


For anyone who thinks that we need to have a hand in the Middle East I have only this to ask you; Why? For their oil? Well how about we try focusing on creating a green energy industry in this country so we can move past fossil fuels already? Shit, that might even create a few jobs and get this country back on the right track.


Fuck, it's not like anyone ever listens to me anyway. I don't even know why I try.


-Jon J

Adam Lambert is A Punk

Oh hi there, it's been a while, hasn't it? I've been away , business outside of the country, had to keep a close eye on some of "interests". Let's just say it involved the CIA and some wet work, all very illegal, all very erotic. But just because I've been gone doesn't mean that the world has stopped turning, a shock to both yourself and me, I assure you. Today I would like to turn your attention to one American Idol alum, Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert (pictured above) is punk as fuck.

Now hold on a second before you start believing that I've lost my mind. No, I haven't gone mainstream, sold out or any of that business. All I ask that you indulge me for a moment and reserve your judgments until after I've finished.

So this morning I was trolling along the internet as usual, checking out the top stories and such, when I came across an editorial from the Wall Street Journal written by one Peggy Noonan. Now, Peggy's piece references a Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll that claims that 55% of Americans feel like this country is going down the shitter. Hmmm....only 55%, apparently the other 45% of American's have there's heads firmly planted up their asses. I mean there's good reason for Americans to lack faith in the good ole' U.S. of A.'s future. We are currently involved in two wars that don't have any sign of ending, we are facing the worst economic crisis in nearly 80 years, the entire world is facing certain environmental catastrophe , this country's entire industry base has been outsourced; setting up China to be the true superpower of the next century AND millions of Americans are currently living without health care. I mean you would need some really, REALLY good drugs not have a feeling of dread creeping up your psyche. (If anyone is currently in position of said really good drugs, well you know where to find me.) But you see, that's not the real problem. Of course not! I mean the real problem is obvious:

It's the queers. Come on now; it's always the queers.

Well, ok, it's not ALWAYS the queers. Sometimes it's heavy metal, or comic books, or role-playing games, but THIS time it's the queers. At least that's what Peggy Noonan thinks.

To have her explain it, the real problem in America isn't the economic crisis or our endless wars, no it's American Idol's Adam Lambert's really gay performance at the American Music Awards this past November. I don't mean gay in sense of something that a 12 year old thinks is lame, no I mean hot sweaty man on man loving. You see this little glam kid went on ABC in primetime and performed some shitty song, which would have been all fine and good, there's nothing the American public loves more than some reality TV star belting out some bland Top 40 bullshit. But you see the thing is that Adam's performance involved him walking around a guy and girl on a leash (oh no! bondage! *gasp*), miming oral sex (heaven forbid!), and AND making out with another man! The immediate reaction of the typical heterosexual American man after having seen this was the undeniable urge to go out and suck a dick, BECAUSE HE SAW IT ON THE TV! This led to the degradation of American values, the break down of the two parent household and made the baby Jesus cry (right before his birthday, no less).

Now you see Peggy knows what to do in this situation. As well she should. She was a special assistant to the president in the White House of Ronald Reagan; an administration known for their enlightened stance and being for our First Amendment Rights. Oh wait, no they weren't. They were the guys who wanted to put warnings on Twisted Sister records. Yeah, that's right; they hated rock n' roll and brought the Evangelical Right into power. Hmmmm....

You see Peg thinks that we must maintain "Higher, stricter standards" due to the fact that "For years now, without anyone declaring it or even noticing it, we've had a compromise on television." Well, I do agree that we've had a compromise on television for sure, Arrested Development gets canceled but you can still watch 2 1/2 Men. But what I don't agree with is censorship.

The reaction to Lambert's performance on the AMAs is the same old fire and brimstone outrage that the reactionary part of the population always pulls. I mean we really should be used to it. The thing that really gets to me though is that it's always the flag waving patriots who are oh so outraged. Now, I'm no history expert (although I did take honors World Civilization and American History in High School), but one of the big reasons why people came to this country in the first place was to live somewhere they could BE FREE! I fully understand that the initial settlers were bat-shit nuts Christian fundamentalists who fucking burnt people they thought were witches, but, luckily for all of us who have some semblance of a brain, our country was founded by some very forward thinking men who knew the danger of censorship and how important it was to protect the speech of the MINORITY. Here's the first amendment for anyone who's forgotten:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

That seems pretty straight forward, doesn't it? A pretty important cornerstone to our society I would say. It seems to me the most patriotic and American thing that someone could do is to exercise their constitutional rights. Nowhere does it say that one cannot exercise their right when there might be minors present, or those who might find what they have to express to be offensive. The very reason why the first amendment is so important is that it protects the speech that IS offensive. There's no need to protect somebody saying something that everybody agrees with.

For years now we as Americans have watched as our freedoms have been slowly stripped away from us. The social conservatives in this country have always tried to make sure everyone lived by THEIR rules. They've painted everyone who thought differently than them as some kind of monster, waiting in the shadows to shoot up little Jimmy with heroin as they anal rape sweet little Suzy. It doesn't matter what it was- Mexican migrants, Black jazz musicians, communists, feminists, you name it. They've put the blame for all the ills of society on music, art and literature. You can't read Burroughs! You can't listen to a Dead Kennedys record! You should never see work of art that exposes someone's genitals! Because once the devil gets in there, it's harder than hell (get it?) to get him out. Let's get rid of the long hairs, the beatniks and the punks so nice Christian Americans (Real Americans) can live in piece and harmony.

We live in a country that's deeply divided, this is true. We're stuck, we've dug our heels into the ground and we're not going anywhere. People lament the end of the American Century, as if they haven't brought us to this point themselves. Once you halt progress you kill growth, kill evolution. The root of this is fear. When the conservatives saw Adam Lambert on the AMAs they were afraid of him, afraid of the statement he was making. Why are they afraid? Well, they're obviously not comfortable dealing with their own homoerotic tendencies. I've never really understood why straight guys are so intimidated by gay dudes. The way I see the more gay dudes, the more pussy for me. But that's just me.

Also, how about the parents who care so much about what their precious little babies see, I don't know, take charge themselves and TURN OFF THE TV. Better yet, just get rid of your TV.

In MaximumRockNRoll's recent queer issue Mykel Board wrote that being gay/lesbian/whatever isn't really all that queer anymore. Well Mykel you may be right in regards to the insular punk/metal/whatever community, but as far as "Middle America" is concerned being butt pirate or a rug muncher or going back and forth is still considered pretty queer. I love you Mykel Board; but this time YOU'RE wrong.

So here's to you Adam Lambert, you might make horrible music; but you pissed everyone off in the way a true punk rocker does.

-Jon J

ALSO GOING ON INSIDE MY HEAD:

- When you think about Green Day's career pretty much encapsulates the history of Rock n Roll itself. They started off as a scrappy little band (Rock n Roll in the 50's) and then exploded into the mainstream (Rock n Roll in the 60's) and have now become the kind of shitty band that makes rock operas and broadway musicals (the 70's). They went from being (young) Elvis to Genesis. That's more than most bands do.

- I got to see MUNICIPAL WASTE on their "Waste the World" tour last month. The show was FUCKING INCREDIBLE! The line-up was Municipal Waste, Phobia, Off With Their Heads and Cauldron. I had never heard Cauldron before and they were absolutely fucking awesome. Spandex, long hair, fast and heavy. Everything a good metal band should have. Off With Their Heads did not disappoint, as I knew they wouldn't, but it was a definite highlight when they played "Call the Cops", as I understand they don't really play that song too often. I could be wrong though. Phobia, well, they bored the shit out me. I like crust, but I need my crust to be FAST. Municipal Waste, well, were Municipal Waste. What I mean by that is they TOTALLY DESTROYED! FACES WERE MELTED! I had a serious bangover the next day.

No, I'm Not Dead

Well, it's been like a month since I last made a post, but fear not, for I have returned! Where have I been you ask? Well, for one thing, mind your business kid; I'm a busy man with a lot of drugs to do. Anyhoo... on to today's important lesson. Just a little over 2 years ago I got dumped my girlfriend of 4 years. In the aftermath of our breakup (it was a doozy to say the least) I joined the online dating site OkCupid. It's basically the hipster dating site, it's free and it's a bunch of art students who drink PBR and such. So, I've been on this site for a minute, it's got it's good points and it's bad points, but overall nothing has really ever come from it. I mean I've gotten laid a couple of times, but whatever. Overall, I don't really use aside from trying to keep awake while at work. Which brings me to today's topic:

I GOT HIT ON BY A NAZI FROM SERBIA

Here, transcribed for you're pleasure, with additional commentary, is our convo. All spelling mistakes are as they were from the original messages, my commentary in bold.

Things started off innocently enough, a little discussion on one of my faves: the four color funnies:

(1:32:30 pm)malaLarva:hey boy

(1:32:50 pm)JonnyBikePunk:hi

(1:33:12 pm)malaLarva:what are common american comic books

(1:33:16 pm)malaLarva:??

(1:34:17 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, we've got the batman and the superman and such, basically all the major superheros

(1:34:45 pm)malaLarva:all good comics here are italian

(1:35:04 pm)JonnyBikePunk:aha, and what are those?

(1:35:42 pm)malaLarva:flash gordon

(1:35:53 pm)malaLarva:zagor

(1:36:05 pm)malaLarva:corto maltese

(1:36:13 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see.

(1:36:39 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i've only heard of flash gordon

Seeing how I didn't really have much to say about Italian comics, I decided to move our little exchange along:

(1:43:05 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so how did you come across my profile dear?

(1:43:35 pm)malaLarva:keyword

(1:43:40 pm)malaLarva:rockabily

(1:44:07 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see. i'm really more of a punk rocker though

(1:44:22 pm)malaLarva:does it matter?

(1:44:48 pm)JonnyBikePunk:not really, although around chicago it can make a difference

This is where things take turn for the weird:

(1:50:36 pm)malaLarva:i am nazi-punk

(1:50:52 pm)JonnyBikePunk:really?

(1:51:28 pm)malaLarva:no one likes us nor punx nor skins

(1:51:53 pm)JonnyBikePunk:why are you a nazi?

Now, I rarely get the opportunity to talk to a gen-u-ine Nazi all that often, so I decided to do some digging and try to see what the fuck is going through this chick's head:

(1:52:10 pm)malaLarva:i dont like yellow aliens

(1:52:23 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, i'm a jew

(1:52:23 pm)malaLarva:they are spreading like roaches all over

(1:52:40 pm)malaLarva: :)

(1:52:54 pm)JonnyBikePunk:what's with the smiley?

(1:53:03 pm)malaLarva:i am not antisammit (antisemitic)

(1:53:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, the nazis kind of tried to exterminate my entire race

(1:53:33 pm)malaLarva:dey did

(1:53:59 pm)malaLarva:they put my grandfathers in camps

(1:54:16 pm)malaLarva:but i still dont like aliens

(1:54:17 pm)JonnyBikePunk:than how can you be a nazi?

(1:54:57 pm)malaLarva:i love my nation

(1:55:33 pm)malaLarva:and i dont like others inside of my borders

(1:56:03 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well that's fine, but identifying as a nazi goes far beyond patriotism. do you think that whites are superior to all other races?

(1:56:17 pm)malaLarva:for sure

(1:56:35 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well that's fucked up

(1:57:08 pm)malaLarva:and i dont mind blasks as long as they fuck their own girls

(1:57:43 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i don't know what to say

I have to say that her statement of "I don't mind blacks as long as they fuck their own girls" to be so ridiculous I nearly laughed out loud. Classic dumb ass hate monger.

(1:58:44 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, do you consider jews to be white or are they a seperate race?

(1:58:58 pm)malaLarva:they are cursed people

(1:59:08 pm)JonnyBikePunk:why's that?

(1:59:14 pm)malaLarva:they killed the son of man

(1:59:32 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, actually the roman empire did that. so you take the bible at face value?

(2:00:50 pm)malaLarva:sure

(2:01:14 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so you don't believe in evolution?

(2:01:33 pm)malaLarva:i dont

(2:02:10 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i see

(2:02:51 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, not only am i a jew, but i also put my faith solely in science and not in 2000 year old myths

(2:04:12 pm)malaLarva:than you are not jewish

(2:04:23 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i am by birth

(2:04:46 pm)JonnyBikePunk:my mother is a jew, so that makes me a jew, and i'm very proud of my heritage

(2:04:52 pm)malaLarva:can someone become yew if he was born as muslim?

(2:04:54 pm)malaLarva:he can

(2:05:05 pm)malaLarva:so by that jew is who choses to be

(2:05:11 pm)malaLarva:not the one born as it

(2:05:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:it's still my cultural heritage

(2:05:46 pm)malaLarva:than you are spitting on it

(2:05:57 pm)malaLarva:if you felt as it you would respect it

(2:06:22 pm)JonnyBikePunk:well, you obviously never heard of humanist jews

(2:06:33 pm)malaLarva:teach me

(2:08:11 pm)JonnyBikePunk:they're jews who honor they're cultural heritage without the religion. jews are unique because since we've always been segregated in all societies that beyond the religion we're also a separate nation. their are genetic disorder that only jews get. hence a jew is a jew by birth, whether or not they practice the religion

(2:09:27 pm)malaLarva:i dont get taking parts of it an leaving others

(2:09:29 pm)malaLarva:but ok

(2:09:37 pm)malaLarva:you have rite of it

(2:10:26 pm)JonnyBikePunk:but you see even though i don't believe in religion doesn't mean i don't have jewish blood

(2:10:40 pm)malaLarva:sure

(2:10:53 pm)malaLarva:but you are not jew if not living as one

(2:11:19 pm)JonnyBikePunk:if you say so, i know plenty of people who would disagree

(2:12:52 pm)malaLarva:common is not always rite

(2:13:48 pm)JonnyBikePunk:i doubt you're an expert in jewish relations

(2:14:03 pm)malaLarva:hehe

(2:14:37 pm)JonnyBikePunk:so what do you think of me than?

(2:14:51 pm)malaLarva:i like you defending yourself

(2:15:06 pm)malaLarva:i hate people siting in silence

(2:15:08 pm)JonnyBikePunk:if i don't who will?

(2:15:15 pm)malaLarva:you ge a big + :)

So there you guys have it, I got a big + from a Nazi. I think she wants to bone, but obviously she's not going to get a piece, what would my mother think?

If there's a common thread through all instances of prejudice that I've seen it's ignorance and willingness to accept things at face value (i.e. the Bible). Blood libel has been used against the Jews for centuries and it continues to this day. Than there's the notion of patriotism or nationalism or whatever you want to call it. With god and country on your side how you feel that you're in the right to do whatever is needed. The mindset is inherently narrow and as you can see above, difficult to reason with. Hopefully this chick will grow up one day and see how fucked her mindset is. If not, I hope she gets hit by a bus.

-Jon J