Dude, seriously?!

Alright, so I had planned to do a review for a show I went to this weekend, but I'm having some trouble linking a video. Hopefully I'll be able to put it up later, but until than I thought it would be a good idea to bring attention to a troubling phenomena that I have been witness to recently.

Over the past three weeks I have witnessed three separate incidents of homeless people masturbating.

Let me say that again just to let it sink in for all of you. Over the past three weeks I have witnessed three separate incidents of homeless people masturbating. That's an average of one per week. I don't know about you, but that is well above my threshold for seeing homeless dudes masturbate, like infinitesimally beyond what I am able to cope with.

And let me get this out of the way, it's not as though I have stumbled across some homeless dude jerking off when I was sneaking around some alley late at night. Nope, this has all been in the middle of the day in large public places. The first such incident that I witnessed occurred in the bathroom at the Thompson Center. Now, normally I would say that the bathroom is a perfectly reasonable place for a homeless person to masturbate. I understand, he's got needs just like any other man. But here's the problem that I encountered; he wasn't masturbating in a closed stall, no HE WAS MASTURBATING AT THE URINAL STANDING RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME! Now, had I known this before walking up to the urinal, I might have decided to hold it in, or perhaps find another bathroom, but from behind I could not tell. (Apparently this was one of those gentle, "me time" jerk off sessions) But of course this wouldn't be the end of it. I walk into the same bathroom a week later and the SAME FUCKING THING IS GOING ON! This time though I wasn't the only one who seemed concerned. A group of guys gathered and spoke with a janitor about the situation, I didn't stick around to see what happened though, as the chance of getting covered in transient seed was far too great a possibility.

As I was walking across Daley Plaza on a smoke break the other day, I saw a different homeless dude masturbating, quite the change of pace. He was sitting on one of the concrete benches on the east end of the plaza, about twelve feet across from a security station. Now this particular vagabond was much more stealthy when it came to his self abuse, although not enough, obviously. He had his arm up to his elbow down the front of his crusty brown pants. His arm moved up and down vigorously, leaving no doubt in my mind what was happening. I quickly vacated the area, I figure he needs as much privacy as he can get.

Now I don't really know if this has ever happened to you, but let me tell you from first hand experience, this is NOT something that you want to witness. Now as a straight guy seeing any dude jerk off is not exactly on my top ten list of things to do in a day, but if I accidentally walk in on my roommate spanking it when I need a smoke or something, no big deal (for me at least; I know that sometimes when you get interrupted it's hard to get back into it. Oh well, sucks to be him.) But this isn't some small little faux pas or some other french phrase, this is an intrusion on my senses. Seriously, can you imagine what homeless jock smells like? Don't even try to, you might pass out.

Homeless dudes of the world, please do me a favor and stop jerking it in public. Please. I realize it may be hard for you to control your urges, as some kind of mental deficiency probably made you homeless in the first place, but come on, really? Go find a toilet with a stall door that you can close and do it there, like a respectable tramp.

That's all.